I wonder if any of you who are now DA or just faded have consciously or subconsciously done what I seem to be doing lately.  That is, cutting ties with people.  Actually, it's probably something I should have done before.  I don't mean cutting ties with people who are obviously abusers, etc. just with "friends".

Example, last year, before I ever started thinking about leaving the borg, a JW friend called me up one evening to chat. No big deal , but when I heard her voice I thought "oh not again!"  She then complained about a sister in the hall, lacking maturity, etc. and I thought "I've had it. This is over."  I was also in the midst of preparing my income taxes so was in  no mood for self-righteous ranting!! LOL

I cut the call short and didn't call her back.  She called me, this time I was smart enough to check my caller ID and didn't pick up.  She called again a week later.  I didn't pick up.  I didn't know why exactly the thought of talking to her irritated me so much.  I mean, we had been doing lots of stuff together, she considered me her best friend, but something was bothering me.  I didn't call her back.  Then she phones my mother (!), then calls me at work, I told her I'm busy, can't talk.  I knew I didn't want to be her friend any longer.  Why?  Had no clue. 

I was in effect cutting the strings.

Then yesterday and this morning a "long time friend" and I exchanged some "in your face" e-mails.  I've listened to this sister for hours and hours and hours over the years, through all her self-made crises, trying to be patient, wasting my time listening to her self-righteous prattling.  I guess I had had enough.  Even her mother once told me "you know how XXXXX loves to be the center of attention", and I guess I had been unconsciously feeding into it.  I was rather abrupt in my e-mail, in effect telling her to grow up (she's 40 something). 

Cutting more strings.

the weird thing is I dreamt last night about her and her husband, it was at night and they were leaving from someplace and her husband turns to me and says "good bye".  In English, which is not his language.  Was it a sign, or was I just preparing myself for what I knew I had to do? 

I know I will eventually leave the borg, am I merely preparing the way for myself now?  Anyone else done stuff like this?

Or maybe my real "inner bitch" is finally asserting itself!!!

SaintSatan:  Thanks.  I never thought of it that way.  You're absolutely right, I do feel that the "me" that was buried for so long is coming out.  Ah, freedom!  Ain't it great!

acsot, sounds like she used you to whine about others in the congregation.  I had a "friend" like that but when I said I could no longer listen to the "gossip" about others, I found her calls stopped.  I am realizing how many people just use each other at the KH whether it is to kiss up to the elders.  Ask any elder who has stepped aside or his wife how many people suddenly drop you from their A list of conversation at the KH.  People use you for monetary reasons wanting to use your toys.  Their your friend as long as you have a pool, snowmobile, jet ski, nice big vehicle, can keep up with their financial  social calendar of eating out, going to all the movies, buying the newest video games. 

Well, may you continue to learn and see who your "real" friends are.

Blondie

DanTheMan:  I've added that book to my "to read" list; yes, I do feel as though I am becoming "me" now that I am fading from JW land and getting out more with others.  Last week I went to a Robbie Burns (the Scottish poet) night with some people from work.

I laughed to myself when I thought of the JWs at the hall, sort of a "if they could see me now" scenario in my mind's eye - associating with worldly people  (gasp!),  at a Masonic Lodge () and raising our glasses of alcoholic beverages in toasts to everyone and everything imaginable (gotta love those Scots) I was certainly doing my utmost to leave JW land behind.  And felt wonderful.  It's good to get to know myself.

 

Yes, Dantheman, I have the book on my must get list too.  My husband just rolls his eyes, but he reads them too. 

Blondie 

Acsot- first of all you need to realize that the borg has been defining your whole life including your definition of 'friend' and who you have the choice of being a 'friend' with. When I realized this it was an epiphany! (Talk about new light! LOLOLOL) I suddenly realized that I did not HAVE to love everyone unless I wanted to, and then it was NOT this automatic biblical 'agape' thing. Friendship is finding someone who you have enough in common with to develope a relationship where you both get something good out of it. Friendship is not these imposed 'loving' relationships where you are expected to be the good guy and listen to all the pitiful crap someone else spews out to vindicate their own compulsions or make them selves feel better by having an audience to their warped opinions.

You may be cutting some cords, but the feeling you are having is the 'I-am-getting-a-life-and-you-aint-in-it' feeling of freedom of choice. I don't love everyone, and I don't have to. I am also not used up by losers anymore. People who love me now love me because they know me, not because someone told them they had to. I can grow in that. And that makes me want to give to others who give to me. Real love is free.

Ravyn

acsot, you summed it up here.

That is it in a nutshell.  When you stop enabling, then they drop you and find someone else to fill that role.

I come from an alcoholic family and when I backed off from the enabler role, they all became very angry and cut me off from their lives.  After all, I was of no use to them any more.

The trick I find for myself, is not to find new friends with the same characteristics.

Blondie

hi ascot,

Just wanted to throw my 2 cents in.

As I was withdrawing myself from the JWs (I did the slow fade thing), I gradually dropped my friendships. Mainly because I felt that since I was no longer a JW, I didn't have much in common with them anymore. Further, two of my best friends were also big gossips, so I knew that anything I revealed about my non-JW life could easily become prime gossip-fodder. And especially because they were both friends with the PO's wife, who loved a gossip as well.

Sure, it was lonely. As a good little JW I hadn't previously made any non-JW friends, and with no JW friends either. But at least I knew that the friends I went on to make were my friends not because they had to, but because they wanted to.

There's a big difference.

Ravyn:  That is great advice - I remember when I was coming to terms with my father's alcoholism, I would mention it to a few people and what I got in return (all except for one person) was a litany of the other people's problems.  So great to have "friends sticking closer than brothers" . 

I find it hard to get out of my "playing nice" mode and having people dump on me.  Discovering proper boundaries and sticking firm to them is hard to learn, for me at least. 

Just like that sister who would call you only when her life was falling apart, that's what was happening with my long-time "friend".  It's nice (but scary) to get free.

SPAZnik:  Thanks!  I've read about the phases of change before, and it's good to have it here and ponder over it.

Ahh, I love this place!  Have a great day all!