aimless	I think I just need to tell the story to someone who will get it?
	Hi everyone, Im new. I've been feeling a burden on myself for the years that I have been out and I just don't know how to ease it. I can't talk about the organization or the people in it to anyone... if i try i immediately feel sick and want to close up and just disappear. My boyfriend has tried to get me to talk about it with him but i don't know i just cant. I'm hoping it might be easier here since there's a lot of people on here who have had it worse... and understand the culture. When I was in the 4th grade i moved near one of my aunts and her family. My parents didn't really have much in the way of faith tho, when i was a small child right up till i was about 6 my mother studied with jehovah's witnesses and attended sunday meetings, she was very in and out about it, naturally she brought me with her but i really only have a few memories of any of that still. But anyway back to 4th grade the aunt i moved near was a jehovah's witness and so were my cousins, soon i began studying with her and she was taking me to meetings regularly. Eventually it progressed to the point where i was at every meeting each week, and out in service on saturdays and sundays after the meetings. I was a child but carrying a very full load. When i felt that my aunt wasn't strict enough i switched my bible study to a pioneer sister in the congregation. We were incredibly close, she was like a big sister to me. I remember always trying so hard to be good enough as everyone there... and no matter how hard i felt i was trying i was always treated worse than the children that were raised within the religion. Even though my attendance was better than any of theirs, i participated far more than anyone else my age in the meetings, i was in service way more and unprovoked by a parent at that... but i still was left with the feeling that I didn't belong... these people would never see me as worthy. I was directed by my study conductor to not mention the music i liked for fear that someone could be offended, i was also advised against talking about my video games because they had violence and magic in them and so were evil.... this mind you is after i had screened all of my entertainment with a fine toothed comb... i carefully examined game content before purchasing... i through out books that had near mention of witchery. I was the most dedicated youth i had seen in the organization. Ironically the only time i started to fit in was after i had begun dating a witness boy who had zero ambition but a very involved family so they all looked like they were in good standing. We began dating when i was about 15 granted a little young, he had 3 years on me but that's pretty common and we had every intent of getting married when i turned 18. I spent every night of those years praying to be different, praying to be better, praying that i could possibly please jehovah, praying that my efforts would maybe pay off, and begging jehovah to at least see my efforts. As I things progressed in my relationship however thinks did eventually take a turn towards things of a physical nature, there was things like making out and fondling. That was the end o it. We never had sex of any kind but still it seemed wrong. I was a kid being pressured into these things... time went by and i began to feel lack luster in the entire religion and in the relationship as well. I had notions of bethel at one point but found that the only way in seemed to be as someone's wife. Eventually i broke up with the jehovah's witness boy who seemed spiritually asleep but was still far more appreciated by the congregation and other youths, i think the only reason i stayed with him as long as i did was because i liked the way his family made me feel, they gave me a feeling of belonging and gave me a group to sit with at assemblies. I kept attending meetings and going in service though, i really wanted to not admit i was wrong about the watchtower society... i soon met a worldly boy not long after and he nothing but respectful of me and my beliefs. I was nothing but happy with him... he seemed free, and every moment spent with him seemed safe and didn't feel "guilty". When my ex jehovahs witness boyfriend tried to get me to come back to him i told him i couldn't, i didn't want to, and that was talking to someone else. He did the digging and discovered that I had been talking to a worldly boy. He insisted that i must leave this boy immediately and come back to him, obviously i said no. Then he went to the elders claiming guilt over having some form of sexual contact with me, and tossed in there how terribly concerned he was that i was seeing a worldly boy. Now what happens next here, well keep in mind i was an unbaptized publisher who's parents weren't involved with the religion, in fact i was not baptized because they were opposed to the idea. The elders went to my parents with this information and demanded a sit down in our family home with my dad there, while they asked me to describe anything sexual i had done with this ex boyfriend. They then drill me to find out if there is indeed another boy (who by this time i had been seeing for some time and was very much in live with). when they get there answer (an honest one for which i still ask myself why answer that honestly to this day) they proceed to tell me how unhappy jehovah is with me and how bad of a person i have been. They explain that they are stripping my publisher rights away and tell me im no longer allowed to participate in meetings. I never went to another meeting after that day i was done. My parents officially hated me and had their own reaction to me being a "whore" and i never heard from the pioneer sister who was my best friend again. Occassionally an elder would come by to try to see me and i would deny them , my parents kept letting them in because they suddenly felt these were the best people ever after they had humiliated me. I Was moved out by graduation and things didnt get better till we all pretended it didn't happen. The entire thing leaves me feeling so vicitimized to this very day. 3 years later it still eats me up. I don't know what to do and ocassionally when I'm super stressed i still think about going back and i don't even know why. A little bit of a happy ending can be that I'm still with that worldly boy we live together and have a puppy and things are good with us. I just dont know what to do I have what appears to be anxiety disorder that i developed while i was still in it... i get depressed and stressed out and i start throwing up for no reason. I guess Im just looking for a sympathetic ear? If anyone has any advice on coping... please share. Its still really hard. I left it at such a weird time and had been so dedicated that i had 1 friend from high school and a few friends left at work after it was done. I feel so socially awkward and removed from people now that i just dont even feel like i know how to socailize.. sorry for the ling as post... and thanks for reading... -aimless
IP: /VvUVIutIBo0marA