Guessing for paragraphs.
LONG story short: Forgive my grammar, I’m in a hurry! I grew up as a JW by my mother who was baptized about two years before I was born. My dad studied but was a severe (really severe) alcoholic and my older brother studied but was never really into it. She did not divorce him despite the alcoholism, verbal abuse, driving us children around while stone drunk and having minor accidents with us in the car (SOMONE was looking after us). The elders told her that that she had to remain with him. Years later when I was 16, he started using crack and steeling from the home and stole thousands of dollars out of my mom’s checking account one time. The brothers in this new congregation we started attending told her she can divorce and still be free to marry if she wanted (which after 27 years of Hell, she didn’t!).
I was sexually assaulted when I was 9-12 many times by some boys the went to a middle school. One of then just was the son of an elder. I told my mother and we went to the brothers and they pretty much blew me off because I didn’t “scream” like some account in the Bible were Taymor? Taimor? did or didn’t scream when was raped by her brother. I was scared to death during those years. I couldn’t run, let alone scream. My case was essentially dismissed by them. That has left a horrible scar on me.
I got baptized when I was 17. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life though. I had already started to slip away a couple years back, had boyfriends and sex, experimented with weed and alcohol (just occasionally), but still attended all meetings and FS because my mother was my influence. I pretty much got baptized for my mother. By 19-20, I really wanted to get married. Mostly because I wanted to stop committing fornication! At 20 I married a ministerial servant who I later found out didn’t want to work, wanted me to support him, owned guns (secretly but legally). I found out later that he had this horrible dark side that wanted to murder women. I know this sound odd but I was practically married to a potential serial killer. He said Jehovah was the only thing keeping him from acting out.
I stayed with him for three years. I supported him financially and emotionally. Then he started to physically abuse me. I woke up one night with his hands around my neck for no reason. We also had an argument where he attacked me in the same way. Stupidly, I didn’t leave him until 6 months later. When I told the elders why, they pretty much blew me off and asked why I didn’t tell them sooner. They didn’t believe me because I waited almost six months to report him. They didn’t ask me if I went to the police, filed a report or anything. I was told if I divorce, I wouldn’t be free to remarry. They never questioned him about his actions. That was the end of that discussion. This was summer of 2002. I left him, filed divorce, got my own place and never went to another meeting except the Memorial which I stopped going last year.
I’m in another relationship with a sane man and we have the upmost respect for each other. I had other relationships and flings but there were not long-term. This is.
So here is the problem: My mother, who is still very active in the congregation, knows nothing about this. “This” meaning my not attending meetings, not going to the memorials, I have no publications; she doesn’t know I have relationships, sex, nothing. I don’t want disassociate myself because I love my mother (despite her past faults) and it would crush her to know end. We are not very close but we talk about 2-3 a month by phone. Whenever she brings up the society, I pretend I know what she’s talking about. I get most of my information about what’s going on like the Watchtower changes and the new “Bible Study” arrangement from sites such as this one. Any advice? I know this is a hard one, but any experiences or words would help. If it wasnt for her, I would have DF myself long ago.