My apologies in advance for the long post. This is the story I thought I'd be taking to my grave so just to have the chance to put it out there feels so freeing. Thanks for listening.
Well, here goes. I'm from Toronto, Canada. My mother started studying with the Witnesses in 1980 when I was just about 6 years old. As a very devout Catholic she would only study the Bible at first, refusing any wt publications. Over time the sister that studied with her managed to answer her basic questions sufficiently using the Bible alone and once the sister gained her trust, my mother was willing to study the recommended pubs for baptism.
My father, a Catholic in name only, was at first opposed to my mother's studying and forbade her from taking my brother (5 years my senior) and I to the Kingdom Hall or out in service. The husband of the sister who studied with my mom befriended my dad and eventually he warmed up to the Witnesses. Slowly he let my mom take us to the meetings and eventually in service. My mom was baptized in 1982. It would be 7 years before my dad got baptized; he and I being baptized in the same year. My brother never really felt comfortable in the religion from the beginning. He went through the motions until he was 18 and then stopped going altogether. He was never baptized, not even a publisher.
I, on the other hand, became the "good little model Witness." I defended my beliefs all through school with great fervor (and respect). In High School, I was an A+ student. I auxiliary pioneered occasionally throughout the school year and in the summer. And although I had a jw "boyfriend" throughout High School, we never did anything as I was "little miss innocent." I was well-respected in the congregation and got to give two circuit assembly experiences before the age of 19.
The relationship I had with my jw boyfriend during my teen years of 14-18 was traumatic to say the least. He was incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive. His father, an elder, beat him regularly. His mother, a witness martyr who could do no wrong, would kick my boyfriend out of the house when she couldn't deal with him anymore. Needless to say, the bubble of the "perfect witness family" got burst.
My mother took my boyfriend into her heart as a "lost soul." She felt that it was my responsibility to stick by him and help him to stay in the truth. "He needs a friend. Jehovah would want you to help him." So I did. I endured 4 years of abusive treatment, dealing with his alcohol issues, his bizarre family dynamic, his suicidal threats and his near-physical attacks on me. Meanwhile I put on the happy face and continued to walk in the "Christian Way" feeling that somehow it was my job to save this young man from leaving the organization. (He ended up disassociating himself 4 years after we broke up. He's now back in the organization and more screwed up than he ever was. I have heard from a family member that his new wife is being abused quite badly).
During those years, I began to suffer from panic attacks, suicidal depression and extreme fatigue. By the end of High School I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia (common jw ailments). Shortly after my diagnosis, I received a "shepherding call" from my P.O. and Service Overseer. My parents and I were so excited, anticipating encouraging spiritual food, as we'd missed many meetings due to my illness. Instead, these elders threw our service records across our coffee table and berated us for our decrease in field service activity. When they left, my mother and I sat and sobbed while my father was livid, saying that he'd never let anyone into his home to treat us that way again.
Many elders in my congregation (who'd known me since I was very young) continued to harass me, telling me to "snap out of it" and get back to the ministry. This was even after the Awake article on CFS had come out. (It came out about 2 months after my diagnosis). I was devastated. They had added insult to my injury. I began to wonder how such things could be done in Jehovah's name.
A year later I met a brother who showed interest in me even though I was so ill by that time I could barely get out of bed. I thought I loved him so we decided to get married. My parents disliked him and tried to talk me out of marrying him. About a month before the wedding I knew in my gut that I wanted out but by then we'd had sex a few times and I felt like the snowball was running and I was powerless to stop it. I ended up in the hospital wanting to commit suicide a few weeks before the wedding. Not a good sign.
After the wedding, my conscience plagued me. I insisted to my husband that we had to go the elders to tell them about the premarital sex. We did and we were privately reproved. By this time we had moved across the city away from my parents.
My husband's father had told my mother on our wedding day, "Your daughter will be lucky if she gets my son to work at all." The truest prophecy I heard in all my years with the wt! My husband barely worked for the first 3 years of our marriage. We lived off of my gov't disability and assistance from my parents and brother.
I slowly regained my health, turning to therapy and alternative medicine to help along the way. I remained suicidal throughout though, realizing that my marriage was a big mistake. As I "woke up" out of my state of illness I saw that I and my husband were roommates rather than spouses. We had very little in common and I was growing as a person whereas he was not.
I went to the P.O. of our congregation (a man who I thought most highly of) and told him I'd decided to separate from my husband. As far as I was concerned I had all three of the "grounds" for separation. The P.O. and another brother pulled out the Family book and interrogated me until I "admitted" to not having the proper grounds for leaving. But I said to them, "It's not your decision and the Society states that you are not to judge these matters." The P.O. said, "Jehovah and the congregation will take it very seriously if you leave your husband." I took that as a threat of judicial action if I left so I stayed for another nine months trying to work on the relationship, attempting to get my husband to go to professional counseling. Nothing worked.
By the way, the elders spoke with my husband attempting to counsel him on his scriptural and marital obligations. I asked how that meeting went. The P.O., with a wry smile on his face said to me with regards to my husband, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." And that was it.
Eventually, I became involved in a brief relationship with a long-time "worldly" friend which lead to "fornication". It was two occasions of light petting. And after having made the decision to end the physical relationship with this other man, I confessed to my husband. He told me to leave the apartment because he didn't know what he'd do to me if I stayed (the second time that threat had been uttered in our 5-year marriage). I left for a few hours. While I was out, unbeknownst to me, he'd called our P.O. (a Bethelite btw) and told him about my affair. We already had a meeting set up for the next day just to talk further with the elders about our marital issues, and I had decided to confess during that meeting, not knowing that my husband had already railroaded me.
When I got into the meeting, it was me and my husband and 3 elders...a judicial committee without my knowing that that's what it was. After 6 hours of interrogation and lewd and intimate questions, I was disfellowshipped. My head was spinning. I was completely traumatized. I felt so violated by their questions. It was like being mentally raped. And all the while my husband sat there grinning. I left the marriage two days later.
I appealed the decision and faced an appeal committee. So here am I with 3 new elders plus the original 3 in a closed room, going over yet once more the intimate details of a very brief sexual relationship. The appeal committee chairman announced his decision: "While we do believe that you are showing signs of repentance now (it was only one week later) we've still decided to uphold the original decision. So in October 1999 I was disfellowshipped.
I moved back home with my folks. My divorce went smoothly, although my ex didn't pay his half of the marital debts and I was left with the whole lot of it. I was working full-time in retail by then and had little money. I borrowed money from my folks to get back on my feet.
Although I never stopped going to meetings, I could yet again not understand how people could do such things in Jehovah's name. My mother though raised me with the oft-heard motto, "Perfect organization, imperfect men." And somehow I bought it, although the cognitive dissonance was growing.
It took me a year and a half to get reinstated, the P.O. of my former congregation lying and saying that I'd planned the affair to get out of my marriage and that I had even planned the date of the divorce (as if I can control the courts or something!) My ex got remarried 6 months after the divorce.
During that year and a half I began having panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares about my judicial committee. A year after my disfellowshipping I was finally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress. My father had called an elder who I had known in my former congregation hoping to get some explanation for the abuse I'd suffered at the hands of the P.O. there during the judicial committee. My father said, "Is this how Jesus would treat one of his sheep?" The elder said, "Your daughter's not a sheep. She's disfellowshipped." The P.O. found out about my father's call and called an elder who was in the congregation I was now attending with my parents. He wanted to know what "position" my father held in the congregation. "Is he an elder, a ministerial servant?" And he told the elder to tell my dad to back off. So we did.
After I was reinstated, I was treated quite wonderfully in the new congregation, even being told by the elders that it was wrong the way I'd been treated and to leave things "in Jehovah's hands" and move on. Again I entered therapy and reintegrated myself back into what I still believed was Jehovah's organization. Feeling completely worthless now, with such a tainted record as Jehovah's servant, I doubled my efforts, trying to clear up my debt so as to enrol as a Regular Pioneer (it had always been my dream). It was not to be. Nor was the wonderful treatment that I was experiencing in this new congregation to continue.
While working full time I completed a Bachelor of Education degree and was trained as an Educational Therapist. The more work I did on my self, my emotions and on healing my past, the more empowered I became. Not a good mix for a jw. I had managed to get back to my teen year standing in the congregation, back to my "goody-goody" ways. But it wasn't the same. I was beginning to see things differently. I began to believe in unconditional love and began to entertain the idea that maybe Jehovah did indeed love me that way.
A series of events unfolded over the past two years (but that's another story) which lead me to take a break from the meetings and service earlier this year to re-evaluate my relationship with Jehovah, "His" organization, myself and my fellow man. During this time of great soul-searching, Bible study and prayer as well as deep personal work, I came to the conclusion that the wt organization was not practicing the true religion and that it was unhealthy and in poor conscience for me to remain part of it. I disassociated myself a month ago. My parents are the only ones who have not shunned me. My mother, I think, is greatly conflicted and still clings to the wt while my father would probably leave the organization if he knew what I know now.
I feel happier these days although the anger, grief and hurt sometimes overwhelm me. It is the realization that I made so many bad decisions based on wrong information and as a result suffered so much pain and abuse and have lost so much time.
Fortunately, I'm 31 and have a lot to look forward to. I am no longer suicidal, feeling for the first time that life really is worth living and that the God I've always had such deep love for actually loves me in return. It's a nice place to be. Oh, and for the first time ever, I'm beginning to understand the ransom and what it really means to be a Christian! Wahoo!
Hugs to all,
tall penguin
Another newbie here...
by tall penguin 42 Replies latest jw friends
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tall penguin
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BluesBrother
Welome to the board , Tall Penguin ( I like penguins!) good to have you here. Keep posting...
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stillAwitness
You said those sicknesses are common ailments of jw. Explain. Both y parents over the past couple years have developed severe cases of insomnia. Its weird. too. They will stay up all night when they can't sleep, my mother especailly doing research through the bond volumes, preparing her WT a whole week in advance, including for the bookstudy and whatever else she can think of. Its like an obsession. It'll be 7 am and I am up getting up for school and she's still crouched over reading and underlining in some bond volume. Weird.
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OldSoul
(((tall penguin)))
WELCOME!! Please ignore the mess, we're constantly rennovating. Beating out old rugs, changing the drapes and furniture, etc. Sit down whereever you can find a comfortable spot and start jabbing, joking, prodding and poking the thoughts of everyone here.
Respectfully,
OldSoul -
TheListener
Welcome to the board tall penguin. I'm glad you were able to share your story with us. I hope that this board can assist in the healing you need to do. I'm also glad your family isn't shunning you.
Good luck on your journey to great health.
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AlmostAtheist
Wow! Sounds like you've been through the wringer, but you came out of it nicely. Glad to hear it, and welcome to the board!
Dave
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GoingGoingGone
Welcome to the board! Enjoy!
GGG
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tall penguin
stillAwitness...CFS and Fibromyalgia are, IMHO, two common ailments associated with long-term stress and emotional repression and well, the inevitable consequences of cognitive dissonance. I think everyone is eventually affected by their not healing their past in some way or another. I just found that in the truth, these two particular ailments are common manifestations of that lack of healing. I knew many witnesses with these illnesses and I feel for them. It's not fun feeling like you've got the flu 24-7.
Tall Penguin -
kid-A
Hi tall Penguin, and welcome. You have had a difficult time of it.
As a fellow Canadian and Torontonian, I know the scene you are talking about. We probably hung out at the same parties! LOL.
Just so you know, theres plenty of ex-JWs from Toronto on this board.
Cheers !!
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daystar
{{{tall penguin}}}
Thanks for sharing your story with us. When I first came to this board, I'd been out for nearly fifteen years. I was amazed at so many of the similarities in our experiences, no matter from where in the world we are.