bigboi,

I totally understand! It's been 10 years since I've been out and I'm just NOW beginning to live life without the guilt. Is there still anger over losing my childhood? You bet! I'll never get that back. But I am learning how to do those things now. I'm almost 30 and just now learning how to play softball and volleyball and other stuff that you learn in childhood. But it's great! And my friends think it's funny that I have such an innocent playfulness about me. They love it! They've all said watching me celebrate the Holidays and my birthday is like watching a child - it keeps THEM young!

We can't change our past, but we can use it to make our present and futures better. Keep your chin up! Thawing is great - and on this board you'll find people that listen and give great feedback. (Therapy is not a bad idea either. I did it off and on for the last 10 years. I'm much happier now for it!) Our backgrounds have taught us to really BE IN LOVE with life and enjoy it to it's fullest. We can use that to teach a thing or two to those around us! JW or not.

Love,
Billygoat

Bigboi,

If you have family in, it's even harder. Cause you still have to hide your emotions with them.

When you want to bonk them on the head and make them wake up, and you can't.

So it's a fine line, for sure.

Lisa

I hear ya, and I guess I was in the Minority too (good thing Francios wasn't around )

I know what you mean though, it's so weird suddenly being a 'wordly person' ahahahah!! I feel so bad for the way I treated the kids at school, not that I was mean just estranged from them. I really missed out on a lot at school with sports, scholorships and friends.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to be ME. I always felt growing up that there was a part of me that was just waiting to explode but I dind't know what it was, I was holding back who I really was because I didn't know what else to do. Well now I can let go, but I'm kinda scared after all this time. I've gotten comfortable holding it in, and I'm a ver passionate person about life ad people and I just don't know where to focus it!!! I'm working on it, and people here have really helped me to see who I am and what a I want now. My goals and expectations have totally changed in the past year and that's kinda strange too.

I'm moving on though and think I'm finally ready to face this wonderful world that we live in!!

Ven

"I'm not a Troll I'm NOT!!!'

HAHHA I got that one Billy and like Julia roberst I LOVE Eggs Benadict!!!! hahah funny eh!!!

Ven

"I'm not a Troll I'm NOT!!!'

Nice post Bigboi,

You said,

I was a gung ho JW. I stayed celebate for like five yrs straight while I was in it. From some posts i've read around here I think that I was in the minority.

That was funny. Five whole years, huh? Wow. I think I had you beat, buddy. So, are you saying that now you're a fornificator? I sure hope not. You can go to hell for that, you know. <g>

For those of us who grew up in the truth, life would be hard to explain and hard to be believed, especially if you had parents like my mother who took it all seriously. I went to a family reunion (something that I would never do as a JW unless it was to witness) last summer and met plenty of relatives I never knew. In talking to some of them, I learned that when I was a kid they lived right around the corner, but since they were "worldly," my moms didn't want us hanging out with them. So, we didn't. No sports. No birthdays. No extracurricular activities (glee club, student government, band, sports, etc.) at school. And the only friends you had were other JWs -- gotta watch those bad associations -- so if you and your JW friends went to different schools, you spent a lot of time alone.

It's hard coming out from under all that after living that way for years like I did, but I'm proud that I've been able to make the adjustments I've made. I still haven't celebrated my birthday and I doubt I will. I haven't celebrated Christmas or gone trick or treating, either, but there are so many other of life's simple pleasures that I no longer turn down. I don't refuse a piece of birthday cake if someone is celebrating theirs. That was one of the simple pleasures I'd definitely avoid in the past. Or saying "happy birthday," or "bless you" when people sneezed (I don't know what it means, but I know that people like it so it can't be all bad). So many things like that that we missed out on... things that aren't bad but were made out to be bad and made you fell guilty if you did them.

You said it well when you said, "being a Jw meant giving up a lot of my passions." To this day I have a hard time being passionate about anything. When you're a Witness, all of who you are is directed towards following the directions of the Society. Field service, meeting preparation and attendance, being careful of non-Witness associations (in my case even blood relatives) and activities, all with a goal of making god happy who was like a super Santa Claus--always checking to see if you were doing your very very best, and if not, why not and could you do a little more. The end was always held over your head, and Armageddon seemed always just around the corner, keeping you from pursuing whatever dream you may have had that took you away from "theocratic goals." It was a heavy weight for a little kid. I doubt that I've ridded myself of it completely or if I ever will fully recover from the religious abuse I took all those years.

But I'm trying.

peace,
todd

Hi Bigboi!

I just wanted you to know that I'm right there with you! I also get frustrated in thinking that my childhood was taken away. I could relate to a lot of what you said. Individuality is supposed to bloom and blossom during your childhood, teen years and early adulthood. It is such a fragile time in life! I have had a hard time figuring out just who I am even 13 yrs after being out and trying to find uniqueness about me.

It seems as though Venice has made more progress in the past year than I have in the past 13!

This all reminds me of something that happened a couple of months ago when I filled out my profile at classmates.com. It asks which activities you were interested in while in High School. The only two things I could click on were "skipping school" and "hanging out with friends". So I clicked on these two and put in the very small space for comments that my religion restricted most school activities. Well guess what happened??? I get an email from a current JW scolding me for putting that there!! Geesh!! Will they ever go away!? LOL

At 1st I went back and deleted everything. But then I changed my mind and went back to fill out this profile thingy. Instead of leaving everything blank, in "Interests," I clicked all the ones that interested me and said in the comments, "I would have loved to try these!" When asked about my HS memories, I simply stated that if I'd had any part in my upbringing that I'm sure I'd have plenty more. What I wanted for my future? I put: "In my warped world, who knows!?" Then finally it asked what I did after and I said "Got a Life!" (although I am still working on that last bit)

I am just grateful every day that I am still no longer a jw. I take joy in knowing I'll at least get to experience some of this stuff with my kids! But, I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose is.

Hey DannyBear:

Yep, celebrating holidays is lots of fun. I always have loved Christmas time I must confess. I definitely surpressed my feelings around that time of yr when I was in the borg. My fam has gettogethers at my aunt's house every yr for christmas. I used to not go at all and I think it caused a rift, but lately I've been going every yr trying to catch up. I love the old bluesy songs that my Aunt plays at her house, I think I'm going to get a Christmas album this yr, one with that has the song that starts off "Bells will be ringin'/The sad, sad news/.... That takes me back man.

Teejay:

I find you just have to do it man. I think it may be a little hard for you cause I believe your wife is still in the borg. I can relate to what you said about feeling passionate, but fortunately I feel it coming back to me. I think a part of my personality is trying to reawaken. I keep having these strange dreams where i keep looking for something and I feel like I getting closer and closer to it with every successive dream. The only thing is I never remeber the details, I just wake up with these general feelings. Coming out fom being in a cult really is a truamatic feeling. One that has bitten more deeply than a lot of ppl realize. In the circumstance all we can do is keep trying to found our own space in this world. As long as we keep carving it out, we always will have more and more of our space. Keep tryin and it only gets better my friend.

Monica:

Good for you sweetie! I think one of the most important things we can do is stop cult members define us. Just because our opinions and feelings are not theirs, doesn't make them insignificant. We are not the ones being misled, they are. We don't have to suppress our feelings! I think if you have fam then of course you should be tactful, but nonetheless don't give the the impression you are weak o misled, that's their deal.

I recall when I first left in '98, I still worked with this bro in an automotive shop. I had respect for him as a witness so I used to modify my changing behaviour around him. I wouldn't curse around him or really do anything tht I thought might be a coause for offense. I noticed though hat his behaviour was changing too. The guys atthe shop always complained about this dude and called hm a hypocrite and a liar.I would always defend him too. Lo and behold I could see it was true. Iguess he wanted to act different because i was working there with him(he had been at the job about 5yrs before I was hired). Anyway the little prick and I had falling out and he was telling ppl all kinds of shit about me. Ya know, attempting to make me look bad. So i say fuck em. Let em thnk what they wanna, but I'm gonna be myself. trust me it's no use trying to kiss somebody's ass and keep trouble down because it doesn't work. Be yourself and let em know where to get offf and they won't fuck with you is my philosophy. Use a lil tact if really needed.

"it ain't what ya do. it's how you do it" quote from the song "True Honeybunz" by Bahamadia