Welcome boys and girls to Sunday School.

Our Bible story today is about a man named Joshua. God liked him so much he named an entire book of the Bible after him. Now, Joshua was a good friend of Moses. You remember Moses from last weeks story, don't you boys and girls. God loved him and his people so much that God killed all of the first born of the other people where Moses and his people lived, so Moses and his people could go away. How many of you boys and girls are the oldest in your family. Ah, about one third of you. Aren't you glad that God doesn't do that any more? As you remember Moses and his people left, and then wandered around for 40 years. Do know how long 40 years is? Well, let me ask you Mary, how old is your dad. He's 32 right? And you are 8. Well, now add your age to your dad's and that is how long they wandered around. Now, that is a long time now isn't class.

Now, during all that time that they were wandering around, as I mentioned last week, all they ate was this white puffy stuff called manna. Same food day in and day out, no burgers, no pizza just white puffy stuff.

Now, Moses died and now we get into this week's story. Joshua liked to kill people for God and God liked to help him kill people. Joshua had alreay killed everyone in two towns when God told him that he could kill everyone in a land called Cannan. Right off God gave Joshua the battle plans to wipe out the first town called Jericho, but Joshua needed some help first so he sent two spies to the city, and they found this prostitute to help them destroy the city. Now, have any of you heard of Bennedict Arnold who was a traitor to our country? Well, that's what this prostitute was, a traitor to her people because she had heard about Joshua wiping out two other towns already and she was afraid.

Now, God told Joshua to kill every man, woman, and child, except of course, for the prostitute and her family. God said everything else should be destroyed except for the gold and silver and that should be given to God. Well, boys and girls, one of the soldiers stole about a thousand dollars worth of gold and silver and a nice robe. You know that stealing is wrong. What do you think should be done to someone who steals like that. Yes, Billy. They should go to jail. Well, God was pretty upset, so he allowed 35 soldiers to die in the next battle, just to show that someone had done something wrong. Then, he told Joshua to go find the thief. What you think God told them to do next. Yes Susan. Send the thief to jail. No, he told Joshua to kill the man and his whole family. After that, God told Joshua that he didn't need any more gold and silver and the soldiers could have it. Well, for the next seven years, Joshua and his soldiers had a good time destroying a hundred or more towns in the area. They still hadn't completed all the destruction, but they had made good progress. After they killed everybody, they lived happily ever after.

Well, boys and girls, I hope you enjoyed the story of Joshua, and I hope you have learned a lesson here. Next week, I will tell you about a man named John who wrote a book called revelation while hallucinating. The images he saw are truely exciting.

Children, before we go into the other room for milk and cookies, I want to thank my Sunday School teacher, Norm from Norway, who inspired me to write this story.

Larc, you just made it into my "cool" book.

My wife has never even been around a bible, and when I showed her this, she asked if that was a true bible story. All I could do was laugh and say "yup, and that's the same god they say is "love"."

Solicited help from a whore to kill men women and children, stole their money, then killed the family of the man that stole some for himself. Sounds like god is really a guy in a pinstriped suit named Vinnie.

Teacher? Well I...well...I don't think mommy'l let me hear that story. She don't let me watch R movies either. Hmm..I thunk God was good...I dint knowd he hurted people.

tOmMy

"I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every
form of tyranny over the mind of man." --Thomas Jefferson*

Oooh Teacher! I don't want to miss the story on the Song of Solomon. My favorite part is where they hold the baby up by it's feet in front of it's mother and threaten to cut it in half! How exciting!

Mother Teresa

Roamy dear,

We have had enough about killing, so I am going to tell you the love story in the Song of Solomon and how this nice man describes his girl friend's private parts and how she describes his.

Mommy says I can't sit in the class if we're having sex education. sniff sniff... I can't stay if we're having a birthday party either...... (shuffles feet) But if you'll tell more stories about how righteous Jah is when he kills people by the hundreds, I'm sure she'll let me stay and listen! Please, teacher?

Roamy

Ooh ooh I want to hear about Solomon's girlfriend's milky white gazelles!

Ooh ooh!!!! I know! Please tell us the story about Noah getting drunk and what happened when he did! That's a neat story!

Roamy

Children,

I am so happy that you are taking such an interest in the Bible. You are so excited and want to hear all the stories all at once. Just remember we have all summer together, and I will get to all the good stories.

I think that when we get to the story about Noah that you asked for, we will put on a little play. I will play the part of Noah and I will ask three of the boys to play the part of my sons. I think all the kids will like it. Maybe, I will invite the parents to see the play.

Slayer,

You are a good boy, and for that I am going to give you a part in our upcoming play. Since you were first with the apple, you will get to play one of my favored sons.