Thanks Jan,

This comes at a good time for me as there is a 'situation' in my family that has to be dealt with. Have to have a strong spine! This article helps. Keep up the helpful, good work--I appreciate it so much.

Pat

There are two complementary dysfunctional personalities in a co-dependent relationship. Maybe I missed it, but I think this self-test alludes to only one of them--the "enabler" half of a co-dependent relationship. What might be a test for the other half--the "controller" dependent?

Greetings All,
And there is a problem with 'self-report' checklists.
Some folks in denial of their problems will check responses to show they dont manifest certain traits as a rationalization.
That's why I think therapy groups are so important. They will challenge one's self-concept(dysfunctional)and oftentimes help break thru denial by promoting rigorous honest self-examination.
Just my dos centavos.Tina

RosYou are correct in your evaluation. There is the Enabler and the Controller being tested there. That was very astute of you to pick that......

Interestingly, I came between the two which means I am neither.

Tina, I did the original checklist with a psychologist who was helping me cope with chronic Fatigue syndrome. I was not coping with it at all because I don't like lying around [:)}

She went through the co-dependency issues with me in depth at the time because of my abusive background to make sure that this was not contributing to the problem. That is when I received the checklist.

Her assessment was that I am not co-dependent, but independent .... a bit too much .... and that I had to learn how to be interdependent.

My time in the JW's was fraught with accusations that I was too independent and not organizationally minded ....

Teresa, the therapist also assessed me as the Satir Mode of Leveler. Levelers are often seen as attacking or authoritarian, when they are actually only being factual.

As an example, the difference between a Blamer attack and a Leveler's statement of fact, is the heavy stresses placed on the words by the Blamer: Leveler - "Why do you always smoke so much when you're driving?" Blamer - "WHY do you ALways SMOKE so much when you're driving?"

One of the greatest ironies is that many people mistake the remarks of a Leveler for verbal aggression and never suspect that the nice person down the road is the one who is really giving them a hard time

It is because I have this tendency of being authoritarian I can be mis understood as controlling ....

When you think about it carefully, they are vastly different.

JanG
CAIC Website: http://caic.org.au/zjws.htm
Personal Webpage: http://uq.net.au/~zzjgroen/

Whatever, Jan. You never admit to doing anything wrong, anyway. And that to me is the biggest pointer to your problem. And yes, you DO have a problem. It's called D-E-N-I-A-L of responsibility.

RCat

I'd say this is a "don't ask, don't tell" situation, like being gay in the American military. No resolution can come from it; best to just move on.

COMF

Although I don't have as much formal training as Tina, I do have enough of it to say that I would have to agree with Tina that you are definitely controlling and manipulative, Jan. The lengths I have seen you go to in order to sidestep your culpability in the issue of your email list just proves my point. A person in need of help never sees themselves as such. I wouldn't classify us as "sharks". I would classify us as women who are courageous enough to stand up to a bully, publicly. A passive/agressive bully, to be sure, but a bully still nonetheless.

RCat

I find it interesting that you, Tina and Teresa, are accusing me of the very things you say i am doing.

Very interesting......

Your reactions speak for themselves

JanG
CAIC Website: http://caic.org.au/zjws.htm
Personal Webpage: http://uq.net.au/~zzjgroen/

Tina

So now I am a bully Tina ....

Interesting that you should bring that up. Is it a little bit of projection we see here?

WHAT IS BULLYING

Bullying, covers the whole range of behaviours from the relatively mild and commonplace unkind teasing or put-down or uncalled for criticism, to the appalling acts most of us would be, or would hope and believe ourselves to be incapable of, such as murder, mutilation and massacre.

*** constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication
*** simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognise your existence and value
*** constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential
*** where you are in a group, being singled out and treated differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment you put a foot wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you
*** being isolated and separated, excluded from what's going on, marginalised, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to Coventry
*** being belittled, demeaned and patronised, especially in front of others
*** being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others
*** finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented

The bully selects their target using the following criteria:

*** bullies are predatory and opportunistic - you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason - investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors
*** being good at your job, often excelling
*** being popular with people (colleagues, clients, etc)
*** more than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear
*** being the guru and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional
*** having at least one vulnerability that can be expolited (see below)
*** showing independence of thought

Jealousy (of relationships and perceived exclusion therefrom) and envy (of talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions) are strong motivators of bullying . Bullies are predators and choose their prey by homing in on vulnerability. Everyone has vulnerabilities.

*** because you care - about your work, about your clients, about your colleagues, about your family, and about people
*** having integrity which you are unwilling to compromise or sacrifice
*** being reasonable and with a strong sense of fair play
*** having a well-developed sense of guilt
*** having a different religious belief
*** having a disability or perceived disability

Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

*** helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
*** a sense of humour, particularily displays of quick-wittedness
*** imaginative, creative, innovative
*** ability to master new skills
*** ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
*** sensitivity
*** slow to anger
*** giving and selfless
*** popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
*** competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
*** intelligence and intellect
*** honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
*** you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
*** successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
*** difficulty saying no
*** diligent, industrious
*** tolerant
*** strong sense of honour
*** irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
*** low propensity to violence (ie you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
*** a strong forgiving streak and a desire to think well of others (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
*** being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
*** high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
*** a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
*** high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
*** internalise anger rather than express it
***

Often the target is obliged - into giving another long explanation to prove the bully's allegation false; by the time the explanation is complete, everybody has forgotten the original question.

Projection

Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism, allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves.

This knowledge can be used to perceive the bully's own misdemeanours; for instance, when the bully makes an allegation of abuse (such allegations tend to be vague and non-specific), it is likely to be the bully who has committed the abuse. When the bully makes allegations of, say, "cowardice" or "negative attitude" it is the bully who is a coward or has a negative attitude.

Most bullies will play the Mental Health Trap, claiming their target is "mentally ill" or "mentally unstable" or has a "mental health problem". It is more likely that this allegation is a projection of the bully's own mental health problems.

In most bullying situations, the target of bullying finds themself isolated and alone. People who may formerly have been friendly and supportive, melt away and the target is left feeling like a pariah and an outcast.

There are many reasons why others fail to come to the person being bullied. These include:

*** the bully has warned everybody off
*** very few people stand up against bullying, harassment, corruption etc; the target is selected often because they do have this moral courage; most people will pass by on the other side, only targets have the integrity to be a good Samaritan
*** in the presence of an aggressor, particularly a devious, manipulative, charming one, many people prefer to act more like sheep than humans
*** understanding of bullying is low and many people still hold outdated views such as "why don't you stand up for yourself?" [answer - because the moment you assert your right not to be bullied the bully moves into phase two of the bullying process which is elimination] and "if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen"
*** in environments where the bullying is entrenched, it's regarded as "normal" behaviour
*** unlike assault and harassment, bullying is subtle and comprises hundreds, perhaps thousands, of incidents which out of context and in isolation are trivial - thus bystanders can't see the full picture
*** bullies exert power and control by a combination of selectively withholding information and spreading disinformation, therefore everyone has a distorted picture - of only what the bully wants them to see
*** bullying may be carried out in front of people who are unable to recognise the tactics of bullying, especially the use of guilt and sarcasm
*** the bully goes to great lengths to undermine their target and portray them as a poor performer
*** bullies, especially female bullies, are masters of manipulation, and are fond of manipulating people through their emotions (eg guilt); bullies see any form of vulnerability as an opportunity for manipulation and exploitation
*** bullies are adept at manipulating peoples' perceptions with intent to engender a negative view of the target in the minds others - this is achieved through undermining, including the creation of doubts and suspicions and the sharing of false concerns
*** bullies poison the atmosphere and actively poison people's minds against the target
*** the bully encourages and manipulates bystanders to lie, act dishonourably and dishonestly, withhold information and spread misinformation
*** the bully manipulates bystanders to punish the target for alleged infractions, ie the bystanders become instruments of harassment
*** the bully is often able to mislead one especially emotionally needy bystander into being their easily controlled spokesperson / advocate / supporter / denier
*** the bully often forms an alliance with someone who has the same behaviour profile, thus increasing the levels of threat, fear and dysfunction
*** the bully is able to charm and manipulate a number of bystanders to act as supporters, assistants, reinforcers, appeasers, deniers, apologists and minimisers
*** many people do not have the emotional intelligence or behavioural maturity to understand bullying, let alone deal with it
*** when there's conflict in the air, most people want to be on the winning side, or the side they think will survive
*** some people gain gratification (a perverse feeling of satisfaction) from seeing others in distress and thus become complicit in the bullying
*** some observers regard behavioural responses that are reasonable and civilised as a sign of weakness rather than maturity
*** many people lack critical thinking skills and analytical abilities and thus cannot see through the facade or the bully's mask of deceit
*** the bully grooms bystanders, and the target, to believe the target deserves the treatment they are receiving

The bully also:

*** is insensitive, often callously indifferent to the needs of others, and especially when others are experiencing difficulty (vulnerability is a major stimulant to the serial bully)
*** is unable and unwilling to reciprocate any positive gesture
*** sees anyone attempting to be conciliatory as a sucker to be exploited
*** uses criticism, humiliation, etc in the guise of addressing shortfalls in performance - in reality, these are for control and subjugation, [EM]not[/EM] for performance enhancement
*** is unable to maintain confidentiality, often breaching it with misrepresentation, distortion and fabrication
*** distorts, twists, concocts and fabricates criticisms and allegations for control and subjugation, [EM]not[/EM] for performance enhancement
*** uses gossip, back-stabbing or spreads rumours to undermine, discredit and isolate
*** is unusually susceptible to minor slights or perceived slights and bears grudges which may be acted on years later
*** gains gratification from provoking people into emotional or irrational responses but is quick to claim provocation by others when challenged
*** appears to have a short, selective memory and often cannot or will not remember what they said, did, or committed to more than 24 hours ago - but is always able to remember your faults, often from years ago
*** extrovert bullies can be charismatic and seem to be able to bewitch people into following and supporting them
*** is unable and unwilling to value others and their contributions and achievements; is often scornful
*** is frequently sarcastic, especially in contexts where sarcasm is inappropriate and unprofessional
*** has never learnt the skills of and has little concept of empathy; may use charm and mimicry to compensate
*** attempts at empathy are superficial, amateur, often inappropriate or inappropriately high, and based on mimicry rather than genuine concern - and are for the purpose of making the bully look and feel good, especially in front of witnesses
*** when required to show empathy, eg someone is in distress or needs help, responds either with impatience and aggression (if no-one else is present), or with a fulsome and effusive attempt at empathy (if witnesses are present)
*** is quick to blame others
*** is uncharacteristically fulsome and effusive, especially in front of witnesses - but hollow and insincere
*** is devious and manipulative (especially female bullies)
*** is spiteful and vengeful (ditto)
*** uses aggression almost exclusively but claims to be assertive (assertiveness is about recognising and respecting the rights of oneself and others)
*** has unpredictable mood swings, blows hot and cold, often suddenly and without warning
*** is inconsistent in their judgement, often overruling, ignoring or denying what they said previously
*** is inflexible and unable to evaluate options and alternatives
*** is unforgiving and often seizes on and exploits others' mistakes or perceived mistakes
*** can be unpredictably and disarmingly pleasant, especially when you are unmasking them in front others - this plays on people's sympathies and is a use of guilt for manipulation and control

RULES AND RIGHTS

Rules are necessary. To play a game, build a house, run a business, put on a show, use a computer, share a home, we need rules - ground rules, house rules, etc. Some rules are natural laws like gravity or the value of pi. Others merely need to be agreed by the participants, as with chess. Bullies believe that others should obey rules when the bullies want them to, but that they should be above the rules, above the law, above suspicion, above reproach. Laws are necessary to counter bullying and restrictions are imposed because people bend and break the rules essential for peace and prosperity.

The article on bullying does not describe me as the bully Tina.

I am standing up to your bullying tactics this time.

JanG
CAIC Website: http://caic.org.au/zjws.htm
Personal Webpage: http://uq.net.au/~zzjgroen/