Parents, A Rational Choice

I was a believing walkaway (1974 ) from the group, Jehovah’s Witnesses. I expected at some level that my walking away would be temporary. I intended to get my questions answered to my own satisfaction and someday return to association. I reached a point in my life when I wanted to finish unfinished business.

I had unanswered questions about the Jehovah’s Witnesses and I had been trained by them to think I could bring my questions about them to them. The Jehovah’s Witnesses who had the most influence on me were my parents. It seemed natural to take my questions to them.

I was naïve enough to think my questions were religious in nature so I started out by reading the book called The Bible. While reading the New Testament I questioned why Jesus associated with tax collectors and prostitutes and Jehovah’s Witnesses taught shunning these people. I called my father and asked him what his thoughts were on this conflict.

He said he’d read it and get back to me. A few days later he left a message on my telephone answering machine. The message was to see an article in The Watchtower magazine and he left the page number, the issue date, and the year of the publication.

I called back and asked him if he was going to answer my question. He said he already did and asked if I hadn’t gotten the answering machine message. I said yes I got the message but I wasn’t wondering what the Watchtower publishers thought about the question. I wondered what he thought. He said, that is what I think about it.

Early in my research I noticed that what the Watch Tower Corporations teach about an issue and their behavior are often two very different things. One example of that is the fact that they teach that they are a loving group while hating and shunning friends and family. Or their teaching that the League Of Nations and it’s successor The United Nations, is the worst thing on the planet while the Watch Tower Corporation actually voluntarily joined as an NGO member.

I dreamed of a healthy, friendly adult relationship with my parents and other relatives. It was life long dream and a hope I kept in my heart. Hope dies hard.

I had believed that my parents and relatives loved me, and if I had a question about something they had taught me or supported, they would listen and reply in an objective, rational way. I had read stories of people being rejected by parents and relatives when they asked questions the Witnesses didn’t like, but I really believed my parents’ and relative’s love for me was stronger than those other people I had heard about.

I was wrong. Almost right away in my questions to them, they became angry, said they wished they had put me in a foster home as a child, began yelling at me and slammed their door to my back as I made my hasty exit. Rapport was lost and to this day, over 7 years later, they have never contacted me.

That might not be all bad but if loss of rapport is not the effect you want, I suggest never confronting any Jehovah’s Witness with information of a nature they might object to in the least.

I did my confrontation out of ignorance while deluded. I had never contacted former Witnesses or compared notes. No one warned me not to confront them. I had read Crisis Of Conscience by then and as I tried to answer my questions, for every question I answered I created 12 more.

One thing I can say. It was very therapeutic to confront my parents with the abuse they heaped on my brother and I. They beat us with hands, and flyswatters and yardsticks as well as almost daily yelling rages and shaming. They really got upset when I brought that up, so I knew I was on the right track.

After the confrontation meeting, I wrote my mother a letter and told her I would not be accepting any more of the type of abuse I received during that meeting and that she was free to call me or come over and I would talk to her, but she had to behave in a civil manner. I have not heard from her. Before the confrontation she had not called me for over a year, so not much was lost by way of a relationship I guess. Still I had that child’s hope.

I guess the bottom line is this. If I want a relationship with somebody, parents, relatives, anybody, I need to accept them as they are and not try to change them. I have to help them protect their delusions and sacred cows. I can’t threaten their home or their hopes or their relationships. The Jehovah’s Witnesses have an eggshell fragile living and belief system. They have such a fragile delusion they live in that much of their religious energy is put into protecting it from even honest questioning.

Rapport is hard enough to keep without putting a virtually helpless person on the defensive. The Witnesses have no control over what is written in the journals nor do they really have any idea what it all means. They are ignorant and superstitious people who believe that blindly believing the publisher’s book or magazine is required by their god so the god won’t let then die and if he does let them die, he will re-create them in a perfect replica body.

They are much like children who are told if they have a blue marble and a red marble and a yellow marble and six white marbles in a jar lid, the boogey man won’t get them. Then we come along and threaten to take some of their marbles. They get upset. This is serious to them.

It is hard for a healthy intelligent adult to see that one or both of their parents are mildly retarded and vulnerable. We deal with a degree of denial ourselves in order for us to protect our own egos from the facts that our parents are retarded. We need to recognize our own denial and respect it by protecting those we care about, not threatening them.

Most vulnerable people try to keep that fact hidden. Protecting the fact that they are vulnerable is a part of their coping with vulnerability. They don’t want others aware that they are vulnerable. The last thing we want to do is expose their vulnerability or their retardation. They will lash out to protect both.

My suggestion is to counsel, participate in a recovery group, do objective, rational research, and protect parents from assault, even our own.

Gary Busselman, March 30, 2002 Sioux Falls, South Dakota

Comments please . . .

Gary, at what stage of life did your parents become JWs, if I may ask?

Sam Beli

I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind. What is crooked cannot be straightened and what is lacking cannot be counted. Solomon

My father was born in 1920, and his mother was a Bible Student. He was raised to put his faith in the Corporation and was baptized in 1935. He has put the Corporation first with everything else second all his life.

I walked away when I was 30 as a disillusioned and confused and questioning believer.

My problems with relationships didn't start till I started asking direct hard questions and then started to share my answers.

I was shocked at the violent responce I got.

gb

garybuss
As long as there is a breath in you it is never too late.

That word "disfunctional" is just exactly that. A "word"

A lot of people use it in audiences of shows like "Jerry Springer" when their pointing fingers.
It's a finger pointing blaming word and none of us have to Live by that as long as we have a few functioning brain cells.

You can work on being the best person YOU can be and stop attracting needy people.
It doesn't happen easy or over night but it does happen if you want it enough.

Don't give up.

Gary, I can empathize with you. My dad was born a little earlier than yours, his mother was also a ‘Bible Student.” His grandmother was a devout follower of Russell and claimed to be of the "“anointed."

Like your dad, mine can not carry on an honest conversation about the JWs or any other subject, really. I envy those with a good relationship with their parents; mine have done little to earn respect. Even as I approach old age my parents want to tell me how to conduct my life, especially the religious part.

Sam Beli

I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind. What is crooked cannot be straightened and what is lacking cannot be counted. Solomon

:::::I've had similiar experiences in my family. I could never, still can't, tell my father something he doesn't want to hear. He's a child, 81 going on 4; stuck with the emotional makeup of a toddler. And I think you'll find that true of ALL Jehovah's Witnesses: emotional midgets.

Gary, Your comments are always well and truly worth reading.

I just wanted to comment on Francios's post. My father is 80 and I left the Organisation 21 yrs ago. For a lot of years we clashed over the WTS beliefs - even though I was d'fed (for no longer believing in God), my father used to ask me "when are you coming back to the truth?" and make comments like "you really know it's the truth". I always respected my father's mind because he would sit and read a TIME magazine from cover to cover or enthusiastically read the investigative articles in the newspaper but apparently his ability to critically analyse deserted him where the WTS was concerned. To make matters worse he'd suffered a major heart attack after I was d'fed and when ever we got into heated discussions he would have an angina attack. I was forced to back off a lot. I learned to pick my topics carefully and somehow over the years I have been successful in helping my father use his brain to think about what the WTS is really like. He's had a stroke more recently and gets a bit confused but in spite of his age and state of health, he knows what's wrong with the WTS. I'm very proud of him and it's proved to me that if you are patient and you demonstrate real humanity to loved ones they can eventually differentiate between WT truth and reality. I am sure that every case is different and it very much helped that my father and I are on the same wave length and have the same sense of humor. It just kills me when I make a witty oblique reference to something crazy about the Tower that my father is right there with me enjoying the joke.

Marilyn

Marilyn, Thanks for the compliment. Hope you are having a great week.


Perry, We have much in common. I have simply but the burden of initiating contact on the JW's. They have not done that, nor had they bothered to contact me for months and months before I confronted them with reality. They really shunned me years before I confronted them, but they did it in a slinky sleazy way.

They would not inform me that an out of town cousin had died until three months after the funeral. They had family dinners and social events and did not invite me. But during this time, they accepted gifts from me, called me to ask my professional advice, borrowed my tractor to mow the Watch Tower Corporation owned property, borrowed my moving equipment to help their JW buddies move, but would not acknowledge me or thank me for moving their snow in winter.

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate your posts here and on other threads as well.

I had hoped some parents would comment here. How about it? Any parents here able to share the parent's side of this thread?

Thanks all,

gb

Gary said: “Sam, Is it your opinion that the whole idea of confrontation with relatives needs to be avoided to maintain rapport?”

Yes, that is pretty much true. Talking honestly about WT stuff is impossible, so I don’t do it anymore. Awhile back my dad sent me a long letter. His letters had been upsetting to me for some time, so my wife opened his latest letter, skimmed it and recommended that I not read it. She was concerned about my health if I read it, so to this day, many months later, I have not read it. My dad has not asked about it, though we usually talk once a week on the phone (I take care of all of his business since he is in poor health now and would forget to pay his bills where he on his own). So, his dependence on me forces us to communicate; and that goes well if we avoid talking about the “truth.”

“Is rapport more important than trying to inform them that they are deluded? I had a bad connection with them . . . now there is none at all.”

Most die-hard JWs will not “hear” that they are deluded. Though I have tried, it does not work. Most JWs who become ex-JWs will probably try; most will fail. The JW mind is programmed to require close friends and relatives to be “obedient” to their masters in Patterson/Brooklyn. Strong willed JWs can not separate Paterson/Brooklyn from God. My connection has a lot of static in it especially when my dad tries to introduce “world conditions” into the conversation. When I sense that he is about to start down that road I try to interject a new subject. He is no longer mentally agile, so the strategy often works.

“I did not know how happy my parents were to stay ignorant. Nor did I know how insecure they were in their beliefs. Plus, I had grossly underestimated the force of their reaction. I now know they did not mean it when they told me to bring my questions to them. That was just Watch Tower Corporation doctrine.”

You are absolutely correct. You are only allowed to bring easy questions to them, ones that the WT has discussed and given them loads of information on. Of course, we all know (now) that the WT has avoided any valid explanation in many areas such as their blood doctrine. I showed my dad the “Consumers Report” chart that show the relative risks of transfusion vs. other risks such as being struck by lightning, fatal plane crash, etc. In my ignorance I assumed that he would at least consider this report as coming from an unbiased source. He would not consider it (or at least he refused to talk with me about it). He still is convinced that anyone receiving a transfusion is sure to get HIV. I think that he finds it too painful to consider, even privately, that he may have been mislead all of his adult life. Pain and pride keep lots of JWs from admitting their (and the WT's) error.

Perry, you said
{quote]a total inability to admit that they don't know everything. [/quote]

This is SO true my friend. They actually do believe that everything will be solved by the slaughter of 6 billion people!

Before you can even ask the question, their brains are already developing the answer. The training that takes place at all levels is to redirect the question, and not answer it.

Do you know what a C.O. (Ray Gwiazdowski) actually told us? At pioneer school he said "if our bible student asks us will he have to stop celebrating Holidays etc etc.?" Ray said directly, our answer should be, "Don't worry about that! I'm only here to share Bible truths with you. You can decide about that later!" CLASSIC misdirection.

Most of the time when you ask them what they feel, they will tell you "the Bible says," etc. They have been indoctrinated to stop thinking or feeling or anything that may cast a shadow on the WBTS.

Very very sad.

Lisa

Gary,

All I can say is ditto to the things you've experienced. Sounds like many experiences are virtually identical to mine. The real problem for guys like you and me is the numbers.

Frued said insanity is common in groups and extremely uncommon in individuals. With my family, there are many more of them than there is of me. They have their insanity validated because numerically there is more opportunity.

I wish all contientious orphans could have the validation that normal people get almost daily from their loved ones. The reality is that we must work hard at what many people simply get to experience as a gift. I don't know about you, but I will die for the friends that I now have that accept me and I them.

BTW, thanks for the kind words. I also very much enjoy your posts....really.