Are you in a muddle over domestic chores? Ask Happy Homemaker for practical and up-to-the-minute advice. You won't be disappointed!

Dear Happy Homemaker,

Hi. My name is Suzy and I have ugly wax build-up on my very old linoleum floor in the kitchen. Sam (my hubby) and I want to upgrade the floor but are not certain if it would be cheaper to strip the old floor or buy terrazzo. Little Johnny has a flame thrower in his toy box, and I was wondering if we could kill two birds with one stone by melting the wax with heat and barbeque a chicken all in one fell swoop? Today's the 4th (July) and it's raining so we can't barbeque or we'd catch our death. Our church is lousy with janitors who could strip the floor, but Sam and I don't trust any of them any farther than we could throw them. We're into sports and have good throwing arms, too.

I'm really in a quandary, HH! Please reply asap because we're having company over this afternoon and want to show off our new floor (or, at the very least, a clean floor!)

Thanks heaps!

Suzy Q.

Dear Suzy:

I feel the flame thrower is out because I have taken the liberty of checking out your homeowner's policy and, should you fail in your intended purpose and conflagrate the house, your agent will search for loopholes to CHA (not CYA). Perhaps you might check out lovely designer painter's tarps and swath your ugly linoleum with one that matches your equally ugly walls (don't ask me how I know). Perhaps, too, your lazy sloth of a partner (I know you two are not married) can plug in the kitchen range, precluding all need for dangerous incendiary devices. Additionally, you're beer-budget folk ... pretty high-and-mighty thinking you can afford terrazzo! I'm not impressed. I don't trust your church janitors either; when I say "no" to their religious tracts EVERY Sunday morning, they ask if they can leave one of their business cards instead, offering huge discounts on their services. Fools.

I hope I've been of some help, Suzy!

Yours truly,

Happy Homemaker!

Dear LockedChaos,

Thank you for your smile! Even nationally syndicated columnists need to know that they're appreciated.

May I offer you a subscription to a foreign-language version of your local rag? You will impress friend and foe alike with your newly-acquired command of Urdu and curry in the kitchen (or is it saffron?). Well, I'm no Julia Child!

A discount to preferred customers!

Happy Homemaker!

Dear Happy Homemaker-

Why do all my socks disappear into the "dreaded black hole"??

This black hole has been with me for many years, I cannot seem to get away from it!!

cbb

Dear Crazy (may I call you Crazy?),

You have asked the question of the ages. Why, when our Cro-Magnon antecendents did their wash and hung it in delightfully decorated-with-bison-and-naked-huntress images in their split-level cave dwellings, they, too, suffered the persistent loss of one of each pair of CALVIN KLEIN sox (or was it skivvies?) That, I daresay, was truly a blackhole. For, you see, today, 50,000 years-to-the-day later, diggers have found all the missing pairs of CM sox, along with some insignificant philosophical codexes and Van Goghs. Won't their numbskull descendents thrill at the discovery that great, great, great ... grandmother has left behind the true National Treasure - Missing Sox Trove!

I hope the above helps, or you could affix tie-lines to each pair of sox, allowing, of course, for the wearers to maintain a measure of stride as they leap and saunter. We don't want to hobble the guys too much, or do we?

Happy Homemaker!

Dear Nelly,

Yes, yes! Men are beasts! I am much surprised that the two (I'm assuming two - they always seem to herd in pairs) cretins deployed to do the knowledgeable and apt woman's work were licensed to drive an infernal combustion vehicle; a donkey-drawn cart would have been more suitable.

I'm given to understand that the sofa's entry into the domicile required a measure of edifice-dismantling ... yes or no? Some times we refer to this as a happy accident. If you feel otherwise, I am sufficiently connected with world-class blackguards and thugs to have these delivery scum extinguished. It's your call.

Recycling bannisters ... hmmm. You could recreate Tara (GWTW) by erecting a free-form staircase, suspended by skyhooks, in your front yard. Think of the curb-appeal that that should afford your lovely-though-decimated home!

Please, all seriousness, aside: take care of your asthma! Or was it the guys who were wheezing?

I, too, love the open-aire look of your home. I can see it ...

Happy Homemaker!

Dear Nelly,

As irony would have it, I must away to attend to the mowing and trimming of an estate pasturage.

I shall ponder your ponderings whilst I rusticate in the midst of bucolia.

Cheerio!

Happy Homemaker!

Greetings, anew, Nelly:

Having connections with big business worldwide, I will enjoin mattress makers internationally from affixing flammable fire labels to used bedding and all such related stuff. Is asbestos still legal?

The view from the curb could, perhaps, tolerate a tad of tweaking. Lady Bird Johnson, I do recall, employed her chic sense of style and no little matronly influence to effect the construction of tasteful freeway sore-sight blockaders. Since I'm putting myself out already to muscle an act of Congress toward the proper labelling of your rampant mattress colony, I may as well stay over a few extra nights in D.C. and see what further havoc I can wreak on your behalf.

No extra charge!

Oh - he who rusticates merely resides in the country, or, if he wants to push the envelope, gets himself kicked out of college.

Happy Homemaker! 

CoCo, you are a boy Martha Stewart, w/o the bitchyness! 

Thank you for dedicating the day to me! You are too kind!

I love domesticity!

changeling :)

Dear Happy Homemaker,

My home is my castle, and when I come after a long day in the Enchanted Forest chopping down trees, all I want is a little peace and quiet and a cold beer. After I kick off my boots and fall into the LazyBoy, I just wanna conk out and doze. My problem? My husband, Ed, fancies himself Mr. Mom (though we are not blessed with little ones) and always has a beautifully set table waiting for me every evening. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I'd be happy with a burger and fries and a strawberry milkshake. Filet mignon, Duck a l'Orange and salmon steaks (guess who's paying for this grub???) get old after a while. Besides, his stilettoes and angora sweaters are way over the top.

What do I do?

Mrs. Wood

Dear Happy Homemaker,

I'm having a laundry problem. My husband's shirt collars have red lipstick on them and it just won't come out. I've tried scrubbing, bleaching and bluing - no success at all. Mary Jane, who's my best friend, has offered to have the shirts professionally cleaned, but I don't want to take advantage of her generosity. What do you say?

Connie aka Baby Pink

Dear Connie,

You don't have a laundry problem, Sweetie! If I were you, I'd switch from baby pink to a red-hot, angry slash of magenta across those lips. Or you could buy your husband red shirts. Or move to another state and leave no forwarding address. Good luck with Old Mister Innocent Bystander!

Happy Homemaker!