The Afflicted

My Story of Recovery from Excommunication

Four years ago I was excommunicated (disfellowshipped) from the Jehovah's Witness faith and disowned by my family because of my sexuality. In the painful years following that experience, I wrote the songs on my demo CD "The Afflicted" as I struggled with drugs, thoughts of suicide, self-acceptance and the death of my estranged father to colon cancer. "The Afflicted" is about the belief that was ingrained in me from the time I was a child that to be gay is to be afflicted with a disease. I carried that thought with me long after my excommunication and looked at myself and the gay community as a cursed people... as "The Afflicted."

There are several religious denominations that continue to practice excommunication or, as Jehovah's Witnesses call it, disfellowshipping. These denominations believe that in order to keep the congregation clean, unrepentant wrongdoers must be removed and shunned. Members of the congregation are encouraged to turn in anyone who they think has committed a sin that hasn't been confessed. When I was 19, my mom found out about my "problem" when she came across a journal I had been keeping. I was told that I was to never act on the feelings I had expressed in my journal and was encouraged to remain celibate until God would cure my sickness. My parents made me talk with a Jehovah's Witness' therapist in New York in hopes of reversing my disease. After years of trying to deny my sexuality, I couldn't do it anymore. When I was 22, my mom turned me in to the elders because she believed that I had acted on my feelings and I was forced to go before them to confess.

The elders ask you very detailed questions as to the nature of your sins and based on how you answer these questions, they decide whether or not you're repentant for what you've done. If they decide that you're not, the announcement that you have been disfellowshipped is made to the congregation of your membership. I felt an obligation to my family to meet personally with the elders but if you decide not to go before them at all, you will be "disassociated" which carries the same consequences. After the announcement is made, everyone you have known up to that point is to cut off all communication with you. I was raised in a religion where excommunication can also be punishment for having close friends outside of the church, so for me this meant losing everything. When my dad was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer shortly thereafter, I definitely considered going back. It had been made very clear to me that unless I came back to the Church everyone had to go on with his or her lives as though I didn't exist. In order to be reinstated you have to prove your repentance by regularly attending services five times a week, for usually at least six to tweleve months, and submitting a letter of repentance to the elders. This is to be done without socially interacting with anyone inside or outside of the Church (Jehovah's witnesses refer to the Church as the Kingdom Hall.)

This wasn't the first time I had been disfellowshipped. When I was 17 I was disfellowshipped from the congregation for something I didn't even do. At that time, my parents had begun to suspect that something was wrong with me. I had become infatuated with one of my close male friends and I didn't know how to deal with it. I was so afraid of the consequences I would face if anyone found out about my secret that everything I did had become about hiding it. So much so, that I became a completely different person. I was depressed, moody and was contemplating suicide. It was very noticeable to my family and close friends and people started to wonder what was going on with me. My parents were really starting to question me and someone in the congregation had started a rumor that I was gay. That freaked me out so much that I decided that in order to throw everyone off, I would have to fake a drug addiction. I had never done any drugs but one night I told my parents that I had been taking crystal meth. To me, being known as a drug addict was better than being thought of as gay. It's irrational, but that was my mindset at the time and it worked. The rumor that I was a druggie drowned out the rumor that I was a fag. My parents made me see my doctor and in order to avoid drug counseling, I told him the truth. My mom did transcribing for my doctor so he promised to keep it a secret and told my parents he didn't think rehab or counseling was necessary. Off to the elders I went to confess my "drug addiction" and was disfellowshipped.

That was when I first started writing music. I didn't have anyone to talk to so I wrote songs. One of the first songs I wrote is called "Human Again" and it was my prayer to God to make me normal. I really thought that God was punishing me for being attracted to the same sex and I prayed every night that God would make me human. I was still living with my parents at the time so they were allowed to speak to me, but I was removed from my brother's wedding, which was devastating. I was reinstated into the congregation when I was 18. From that experience, I knew what was involved in coming back to the congregation and although it would mean communication with my family, I knew I couldn't go through it a second time. Even if I was reinstated, the Witnesses' answer to homosexuality is lifelong celibacy. It killed me that I couldn't be there for my family as my dad fought and eventually died of cancer, but I saw no other choice. I moved in with four people (non-JW's ) that I hardly knew, and decided I was just going to have to get through it. During that time, I wrote the songs on "The Afflicted." My dad died of colon cancer about a year and a half after his diagnosis. At his funeral, I wasn't allowed to sit with the family or attend the reception for the family afterwards.

This extreme alienation is experienced by hundreds of LGBT individuals who are excommunicated from religious denominations such as Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons and Seventh Day Adventists each year. You are told that attraction to the same sex is not a sin, but acting on it is. When I finally came out, my sister and grandmother came to me to tell me that they had the same "problem" that I have. Their advice was to pray and get married. Due to fear of the extreme consequences they could face, many gay men and women stay in these denominations sometimes even going through "aversion therapy." For many years in the Mormon faith, aversion therapy included shock treatment and induced vomiting. Individuals would be injected with a medication that would make them vomit or shocked by electrodes as they viewed images of gay pornography. The hope was that these individuals would make a negative mental association with attraction to the same sex and would be cured of their disease. You can read experiences of those who have gone through this on this website. There is no statistical research to prove it but I know that the rates of drug abuse and suicide are very high among those who leave and those who stay. As of right now there are a few support groups for LGBT individuals facing this and it is my hope to bring awareness to this issue and help to those who need it. Links to these groups are provided on my site and I will continue to add more as my research on this topic continues.

Today, I can truly say that I have fully recovered from my ordeal with Jehovah's Witnesses. My case may be extreme but all LGBT individuals go through this in one way or the another. The last song I wrote on "The Afflicted" is called "Obsession" and it celebrates the freedom that has come along with the acceptance of self and sexuality. I can't believe now that the thought of suicide ever crossed my mind, but it felt like such a hopeless situation at the time. The last year has been the best year of my life. The love, friendship and acceptance that I've felt from my new family has been amazing. It's finally good to be me. There are a few lyrics in "To Be Me," VH1 Songwriting Competition winner-July 2005, that sum up the way I feel now.

The years that I spent denying this gift
All the rejection, he makes it all worth it
And I know I'm OK... God doesn't make mistakes

I hope that you enjoy these songs and I hope that they will comfort, inspire and heal you as they have me. Please feel free to email me with your personal experiences or any thoughts that you have regarding my music, excommunication and religious and political intolerance of homosexuality.

Sincerely,
Jacob Grenz

http://www.jacobgrenz.com/

I couldn't help but think of an old saying as I read through Jacob's story: 'What doesn't break you, makes you stronger'.

In recent years, there has been an encouraging shift in psychology away from victim stories to 'victor' stories: stories that illustrate the powerful role of resilience in people's lives. Jacob's story is one of a young man who is learning skills to rise above his difficult experiences and in that regard it is a story worth sharing with as many as possible.

Great story, I'd like to read more about Jacob Grenz, will check out the links provided.

Thanks for posting this, the cruelty of shunning affects people for years, leaves its mark.