My Dad Isn't There Anymore

It really struck me last night that my dad is pretty much gone.  He has advanced alzheimers, and is slowly dying of kidney failure from 40 years of diabetes.  The family stepped in and said no to dialysis, because it would be 5 hours per day 3 days per week - minimum, for limited return on quality of life.  I aplaud my family for their decision.  It's only time now - maybe weeks or maybe months until his body follows his mind.

Where a year ago he was lucid at times knew who I was and would carry on brief pertinent conversation, yesterday he was mostly in and out of sleep, would say a word or two and doze back to sleep again.  He was pleasant and welcomed me when I came in the living room, but I really don't think he recognizes me anymore.

As much as I hated his dogmatic zeal for JWism, I wish I had him back.

My mom broke her hip on July 8th.  She has been given the all clear to walk as much as she can on it including stairs.  She has been dealing with my dad's incontinence (both ends) for 5 years by herself because she wont ask for help unless she is backed into a corner. 

Since my mom broke her hip, my sister and her husband have been spending afternoons there.  My s-i-l is spending mornings there, and my nephew (45 yo bachelor very active JW) spends the night there.  So they have had support.  I wish I were in a physical possition that I could play a more active role, but my own health won't allow anything other than phone calls or occasional visits  My visit yesterday was so draining it put me down for 15 hours, and the emotional pain has reverberated into class 9-10 physical pain today.  Dammit.

For them I wish their new system could have come.  They put so much effort into it.  I feel pity for them.  I don't know what my mom will do when dad dies.  I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't far behind.  She's healthy as an 88 year old horse right now!  And can run circles around any of her kids.

I had to get it out.  Damn.  I knew this would come some time.  I always figured it would be a phonecall from someone in the family saying "dad died last month and we had the funeral without you".

 

((((Tia Brenda)))) Lo siento.

I U Brenny

(((((((Brenda)))))))

What an emotionally draining time for you. Even if your Dad doesn't always recognize you, I believe he will be able to sense your emotions. If you have things you want to share with him I would encourage you to do so. It will help you as well.

All the best,

Dams

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Brenda))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I worked in the nursing field for over 10 years, all in nursing homes and one of the places I worked was the ladies Alzheimer unit. So sad

I will be thinking of you.

 

Thanx Dams, but I actually did that last year.  I broke down my own ego and went over to their home, unannouced, and had a lovely visit, where I thanked them both for everything they did for me - from adopting me to raising me; and everything they taught me - sewing, patternmaking, electrical and plumbing, and reading schematics, and using power tools, and cooking, and just how "things" work.  I'm so very grateful I was able to do that.  It was important to me, but I felt it was much more important to them.

Passing of a parent still hurts.  I'm beginning to really feel the grief.  I will be grateful when he has passed.

hugs brenda.. i lost a relative to the disease a few years ago, its like their spirit has left their body (if we have such a thing as a spirit) , very heart wrenching and you have my prayers and good thoughts.

(((((((((((Brenda))))))))))))))))), I know EXACTLY how you feel.  My thoughts are with you.

(((((((Brenda)))))))))

I'm sooooo sorry.... I know exactly how you feel...My dad died of kidney failure.  Like your dad, I lost him long before he actually died... The drs. said that there was so much poison in his system that it was destroying brain cells. He had been an architect and engineer...a briliant man, but was reduced to a shadow of what he had been. He died believing he would wake up in paradise... Near the end he started refusing treatments...and it wasn't long....less than a week.  Wish there was something that could be done....

Coffee

Brenda, I can really commiserate with you.  My father is pretty vacant in his mind right now too.  He hasn't been diagnosed with Alzheimer's but he does have a form of dementia.  He still knows my brother, our mother (his ex wife) and me, but others in the family he struggles to recall who they are.

It's so sad because he was a brilliant, educated man.  It breaks my heart to go see him, but I go a couple of times a week, to get the instructions to buy his nail clippers.  He is focused on that right now, and no one knows why.  He asks his caregivers for nail clippers everyday.

I'm sorry Brenda,

I am glad that your family has showed foresight in this matter. I hope he's not under a lot of pain.

- Preston

((((Brenda))))

I'm so sorry, I fear for the day I have to see my parents growing old.  This must be an incredibly hard time for you.

(((( BRENDA))))).. I'm so sorry..   I went through that with my step mother.  She had alzheimers and in the end actually got upset when I walked in the room.  I got to where I couldn't bear to upset her and stopped going but checked in with dad how she was..   Its so sad they they lose the mind.    I know how you feel about wishing for them, that there was a new system.. I think about that with my mom who is a witness.  shes' getting up there and she sure is determine to have all her days to be a witness even if it means cutting me out of her life..   I'm sorry it won't come true for her..

 

I'm so sorry for you.. its like a slow motion grieving..

Bren, I am feeling for you.  I have worked with some Altz patients, and it was heart-rending.  I'm sorry you have lost your dad, and only the shell remains, it's just not right.  {{{{HUGS}}}}

xo

tal

 

I know what you're feeling. As I see my dad break down in front of my eyes, there is so much that wasn't as it should have been, and never will be.

 

WLG

Thank you (((everyone))).  You all are helping me bear the grief.

Yes, it is.  Well said.

 

(((Brenda)))

My heart aches for you. I imagine it is much harder for you to go through this agonizing departure because you have so long to get acquainted with this partial person who used to be whole. If you try very hard to focus on who and what your father was maybe it will help you to separate the two people better.

Try not to let your wonderfully clear memories become clouded with grief over what might have been if only...he lives as you remember him. That will always be true. This has helped me cope with loss of those I care about throughout my life, whether gradual or sudden.

Respectfully,

OldSoul

(((((Brenda)))))

Brenda, my grandmother is the same way and has violent tendencies.  I haven't gone to see her in a long time and even when I do she doesn't know me...In the last years she where she knew me  I lived with my grandparents.  It was only then that I realized just how long she had been ill.  She had all kinds of things that I assumed were hoarded, but in reality she had been buying stuff and then not remembering and buying it over again.  Stacks of soap, a whole shelf of shampoo, boxes and boxes of cereal. But that wasn't the worst..she became violent with my grandfather, trashed the small shed I was living in, went around ranting and looking for her "$5000" dollars she supposedly put somewhere, or blaming me for stealing it. The last straw was her cooking bacon and then walking away out the door only to be found two miles away digging through someone's trash, all the while the kitchen cabinets are starting to go up in flames...She had to go to a home.  Now she is nothing but a shell and as talesin says, it just is not right.. BUT I have good memories.  As my parents mismanaged their financial life my entire childhood I had occasion to live with my grandparents.  She used to babysit for a living and one of the things I remember is her cooking all the time and playing cards with the kids and making coolaid...And the funny things...like only putting in her teeth to go shopping, a convention, of the Kingdom Hall...only to go right home, take out the teeth, then bust out with the chewing tobacco...Prince Albert out of the can and in to the mouth as it were..funny things one remembers make it easy not to think about the cold dead reality Alzhiemers is...

Brenda