Letter to Shunned Mom

While browsing one of the other forums, I ran across this letter that a jw son wrote to explain to his mom why he is shunning her.  I decided I would answer it and deal with some of the issues that arose as a result.  Thought I'd share my thoughts with all of you...

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Dear Mom. I've needed to write this letter to you for some time now. You

need to know what my stand is regarding our relationship. I've waited to

let my feeling and thoughts on the matter be sure.

First of all, this letter is not a scathing denunciation of you, nor a

petition for you to come back to the brotherhood. Neither of such efforts

are worthy of my time or yours. You have made a choice- this is your right.

However, it is my right to make a choice, too. Because you left the

brotherhood, I chose to have no relationship with you. I love the creator

and the brotherhood far more than I love you. Not to say I wasn't

heartbroken; I am just confident that I am doing what is right and will do

it at all costs.

I am mindful, though, that I have a scriptural obligation to provide for you

should you ever need assistance financially. You may contact me for such matters only.

Other news, whcih I know you have heard, is that I'm getting married this

month to XXXXXXX. She is everything I've ever wanted in a

woman-intelligent, spiritual, mild, beautiful, industrious, etc. Because of

your actions, I chose not to invite you, even to the ceremony. I want our

day to be joyful, and your presence would rob us of that joy. I am not

apologetic for this choice.

Finally, you should know I am happier, more content, and more blessed in my life now than I have ever been. Jehovah has provided me with strength and joy. I am confident I have done what I (underlined) want to do, not what others have told me. (Though I know you don't believe that."

Well, that pretty much sums up all that I need to say. I wish you well. I

hope you have found greater happiness by your course of life, and that you

have no regrets.

I will always love you, though my love has changed.

Your son,

XXXXX

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Shunned Mom's Response

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Dear "Son",

I too am a shunned mom ... as is your own mom. As a mom who raised a j-dub son too, I see the way you write... in "rote" ....

As a mom who raised a j-dub, I also know that in you are the same qualities that are in me ... the will and strength to leave when the time is right. Knowledge of this helps me to let you go ... and release you to your rigid spiritual path that you are choosing for now. It lets me go and free myself to live and be true to myself and follow my dreams and my intuition.

My love for my son is still un-conditional, because I love him regardless of whether he blocks my love or not. The love reaches to a higher spiritual consciousness than his physical blockage is able. His love for me is "conditional". He physically blocks himself from loving me, because of my choices. His loss. My love for him still burns strong and sure.

I am very happy to say that at last I have found happiness in living my life now the way that I choose (self-directed), rather than the way someone else chooses for me, whether it be a husband or a religion.

Marrying a wife, you will note will not bring you the happiness you desire. No other person can fulfill your life, you can only fill your own void... and not with another person... I have learned.

I bless you and release you to your spiritual journey. We are all entitled to our own spiritual journey.

Love,

Mom 

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Okay, everyone on JWD ... I'd sure appreciate your comments!!!

I just can't get over this paragraph..... The WT is such a Cult

That point kills me. He is telling his mother by the choices she has made, he is cutting himself off from her life and then shortly afterward writes the above?? Like a knife in the gut. You are out of my life and I am happier, more content than I have ever been. That so sucks.

When I told my mom recently that I was leaving, I knew her stand would be to cut me off just as my dfd sister has been for years. Fortunately she wasn't cruel, but she still said that she knew this was the truth and she will defend it to death. I couldn't help but think, yes and sacrafice your daughter. But then it's ok because I knew this was the stand she would take. It is still sad. This shunning or cutting off has always been a problem for me to accept. I was never one to shun anyone even while a JW.

My heart goes out to you ESTEE, I too have lost children in my life.  Fortunately we have a chance to be happy in spite of the hurts.

(((((((((((( Estee )))))))))))))

Thanks for the post. I know that must have been difficult to write. It is so horrible how they just tear families apart, of course they would deny that. His letter to him Mom was so harsh, cold and cruel. Your letter was so calm, warm and touching. I feel for you. I have two children and they mean the world to me. I can't imagine not having them in my life.

Dimples

I'm sure I've read a letter almost the same as, if not identical to, this one.

It makes me wonder if there is a form letter like this out there for JWs to write to their DFd or DAd relatives.

((((((((((((((( Estee ))))))))))))))

Love, Scully

ESTEE,  what a sad miserable little man this "Son" has become. Imagine when the realities of marriage hit him. Not inviting a parent to the wedding is that little bit of power "Son" feels he has. Make no mistake this is not about loyalty, it is about the little man's power to hurt his mother. Control control control. Even the way he talks about the future "Mrs.Son" , shows how her pliable nature is important ... well most women out grow the subservient role and *bam* Son will have a wake up call.

ESTEE your son has hurt you, and you still love him. I doubt he understands where that love comes from. It's almost like the "sons" of shunned Mom's view mother love as  second class. Foolish, heartless dubs.

Hugs, Panda

I would gladly put a bullet through my own head before I treated my mother like that -- fortunately she and my father never studied and are do not calls -- she slamed the door in the faces of the witnesses when they last called -- she loved me unconditionally when I became a witness and told  me I was making a mistake -- and now I am having doubts and on the slow fade she still loves me -- and never once says -- I told you so.

Smyler wrote in response to the son's words: 

"Because of your actions, I chose not to invite you, even to the ceremony. I want our day to be joyful, and your presence would rob us of that joy. I am not apologetic for this choice."

The jws cannot apologize for their shunning because they are doing what they are told to do.  It is part of their requirement to be a cult member.  Shun.  To show any feeling or weakness would betray a lack of ?spiritual strengthTM? on their part.  Human-ness is not allowed to enter into the equation.

sns wrote re son's comment: 

"Finally, you should know I am happier, more content, and more blessed in my life now than I have ever been,"  he wrote.

I see it as a case of him trying to convince himself of his own happiness.  ?See, God is blessing me because I?m obedient!?  I'm not buying.  I was a j-dub and I was unhappy.  So I know that being a good j-dub does not ensure personal happiness or fulfillment.  Nor does marrying a servant-woman bring happiness.  He itemizes a checklist of her qualifications ?and throws ?beauty? in the middle of his list.  Too funny.  Too humiliating? Scary how he describes his new future wife -- intelligent, spiritual, mild, beautiful, industrious, --- like he has a checklist that she had to fit into.  GAWD!!! What have I taught him!!!

Dimples wrote:

That he is happier because he has cut me off?  Yes, well, he has to convince himself first that he is happier.  Perhaps he really believes he is happier without me in his life.  He has to convince himself that he has been blessedTM ?

I'm a bit concerned how that will impact his relationship with his new wife, feeling that he must cut a natural part of his loving self off from expressing itself.  I figure that is bound to affect his marriage.  Will he be wondering why something is missing in his marriage, then blame his new wife for not "fulfilling" him as a husband?  The hole is in him, yet it is up to his wife to fill the hole??  It's what I've been trying to tell him in my letter, that No other person can fulfill his life, he can only fill his own void... and not with another person... Unfortunately, that is not what his religion teaches...so he would not accept it as having any validity.  And he will continue to blame his new wife who has been trained to bend over backward to try and please an unpleasable situation.

Scully wrote:

Seems to me the official policy of the j-dubs is one of passive aggression.  I'm sure there isn't an "official letter" ... because the official stand of the WT is to shun and not communicate with df'd ones.  What the common thread is with each j-dub is their rigidity toward the df'd relative...their stone coldness and unresponsiveness.  They are expected to react a certain way to their disfellowshipped relative, so they "act" the part.  There is a part of me that wonders if they are "acting" to impress their elders.  With sons, especially ... I think they may be trying to win points so that they may be "rewarded" with theocratic "privileges", etc.  Maybe some of our "bruthers" on JWD might be able to enlarge on that dynamic a bit more. 

Panda wrote:

Power!  Yes!  I see it as a power play, too.  He wants to hurt me because I left the religion, so ? by not inviting me to the wedding, he figures it will hurt me baaaad.  Maybe baaaaaad enough to bring me to my senses so that I will come crying back to the loving fold of Jegoober?s borganization!!!

Wow, what a powerful point you make, Panda!  Thanks!  Yes, the son that despises the sacredness of his mother's love!  What karmic implications might that have down the road!!!

stillajwexelder wrote:

I'm glad your mom is loving with you, even though the love gets tested with time.  Seems like a mom's love stands the tests of time, though...  Maybe that is what being a mom is all about ... it is a test of being able to love unconditionally.  The Karmic life lesson.

I do not shun my children.  For me to use the word would be giving energy and recognition for a behavior that I do not have to recognize.  I acknowledge and love my children.  Even with them at a distance, I feel a connection and love for them.  They are in my dreams and in my heart.  I respect their choices to avoid me because I respect my children.  They are adult and I decided that the choices they make are adult --- and their own.  I trust that they are their own choices and not the choices of the cult.  Even though the cult rules are a factor, I still believe that my children are free moral agents and are choosing -- based on their own knowledge and decision.

I recognize that they do not understand my reaction to them.  They may wonder why I am not bitter and why I am not angry.  Perhaps they also expect that!  Bottom line is that I am behaving how I choose to behave toward them.  I am not following a cult?s rules in living my life where they are concerned.  My love for them is free and open, unhindered, unencumbered by man-made rules and contradictions and complications.  I believe that unconditional love transcends their conditional love.

My friends know my feelings.  My partner knows my feelings. I have nothing to hide.  I do not have to suppress my true self from my friends. 

Sometimes I feel sad, and I allow myself to express my grief.  My partner understands it and accepts my grief ...and supports me.  I love him for that.  My friends are understanding and supportive as well.  You are my friends here in the cyberworld of JWD.  As well, I have personal friends in my real world. I love you all!!!

And my life goes on.  I live my dreams and my passions.  My life is rich and full.  When I miss my kids, I visit them in my dreams or in my subconscious or in my visualizations.  I journal about them.  I write on JWD about my experiences and my feelings.  It feels healthy.

And I remember that I taught them what they know.  That means that they also have the tools to leave, as I have left!  I trust that they will leave -- when their time is right, and when they have reached a place of growth and enlightenment in their lives for them to feel safe to do so.  I did!  So they can as well!!!

I bless them and release them to their spiritual path!!!  God Speed!!!

ESTEE

Okay, brutherz ... Question for youz...

sons, especially ... ...trying to win points so that they may be "rewarded" with theocratic "privileges", etc.  Maybe some of our "bruthers" on JWD might be able to enlarge on that a bit more. 

How much of a factor are these "theocratic privileges" ...?  Does a guy bend over backwards to please the elders ... to get privileges ...?

I'd love to hear your opinions.

ESTEE

Wonderful response gurrrrrrrrrrl!!!!!

I know with Thunder they took his privleges for marrying me <yes, I was now baptized but I had "gone against" their recommendations <bite me cheese n craker men> They would dangle crap in front of him to intice him to change his relationship with me. But it never worked finally he was turning down stuff which irked their liver even more.

Estee I am so sorry they have turned your children against you sweetieBut, I am so happy you are trying to reach others this way.

Thanks SheilaM ... for your support!

The way I see it ... jws get supported all the time with a pat on the back from their elders and bruthas and sistas -- for their shunning efforts.

"Good job!"

"Your faithfulness will be rewarded!"

*Big smile*

Their reward will be great for shunning me!! Well done!! And they really believe it!!

ESTEE

A fine example of brain-washing at its best - this is the party line.  I wonder what his 'love' has changed into?

 

talesin wrote:

Brother Son seems to answer in his letter:

I've been told!

ESTEE

{{{estee}}}

I get the same crap from my parents 'we love you, but' .  BUT??? BUT??? I'm not some ax-murderer or something.  I'm just learning to accept that I can't change it.  I often wonder what 'love' means to them now (????).

I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

xo

tal

 

When I was reaching out as an MS, I was talked to by an elder about the need to shun a close relative. When I informed her, she was so scared that she went back to the meetings, got reinstated, and then for the most part remained inactive anyway. She later told me that it was only fear that motivated her to return - the fear that I'd curtail my association with her.

I wasn't about to shun, but I did explain that I'd have to curtail association. I was doing it strictly to please the elders, so that I could be appointed. That's what happens - you can beome such a men-pleaser that you'll do almost anything to gain their approval, especially when you know that they have the authority to decide what "privilages" you may or may not have. You in effect become hostage to them and the "privilages".

Hi Estee...

It breaks my heart to read of someone elses family being torn apart by this mind controlling religion.

The letter that the son wrote breaks all boudaries of what a family is. the joy, the love caring and fellowship that families impart are a mirage in this religion.

As you said .. the son spoke as if in "rote".   Automaton response.  Cold, collected, business like and not much if any emotion.

It makes me so sad to read... but then when he wants her to call and he will send her money....Then I started to get angry.. sort of thinking.. "Why.. you little........

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I'm on the other side of the coin where the mom shuns the daughter..by telling me never to call anymore..that's 10 years ago.  Her choice, lot of pain for me.. but her wishes.  It's all just so painful any way you slice it..pain for her too.

I can't ever imagine any one of my sons, ever, ever, ever.. writing a letter to me saying anything like this.

I have brought them up and continue to bring them up.. far away from the tentacles of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society and very self aware of being sucked into something such as this...

I certainly like your letter of response .. telling and showing the openess of your mother's love. The qualities of love, forgiveness, mercy being shown to the son.  They are there for the asking..leaves the door open..as most mothers often do.

sincerely

Special K

Estee,

I am very sorry for the pain of this unnatural separation from your children, and I hope ,as you said, that good values and instructions you gave your kids will help them see the real truth.

You are very strong and courageous woman to be able to take control of your life away from the wt, and to have strenght to share your experience for the benefit of others.

thank you.

Invictus

This bit made me want to puke

lets hope that Momma would tell him where to stick his Pharasaical assistance!!

I do know , however, that it does not always turn out of this. I have attended two weddings in recent years where one of their parents was d/fd  - one parent attended and was a part of things at the ceremony. The other did not attend but I know that he had no contact for many years . Despite that recent KM article, there is still a variance in attitudes toward d/fd family. A friend of ours within the Borg has a d/f'd daughter but maintains a relationship . I wonder if the elders know? I knew when I was her group leader but "Blind eyed" the situation

talesin wrote:

Interesting how they can just re-define their love at the drop of a hat, or a change of circumstance. Change the rules!!

rocketman wrote:

Sooooo  saaaad ? what a religion based on fear will do.  What a way to accomplish their goals, using fear, threats  and intimidation!!!  Why can?t people see how truly sick that is!!  Some day people will want to stand up and say, ?Enough!?

This truly makes me feel sick to my stomach, to think about a person?s motives for acting a certain way.  It is nothing about what is in the heart ? it is all about appearances!  Hypocrites!  What makes them think they are any better than the Pharisees!!!

special k wrote:

Probably a lot more than we realize.  Only lots of shunned ones just put up with the abuse, thinking it is a behaviour that they brought on themselves ? it is deserved ?

Bullsh*t!!!

Everyone is shocked by the silent lambs who have endured often years of sexual abuse and cover-up and internal corruption. Silent Lambs have their own websites and healing networks.  Yet, shunned ones are enduring on-going shunning ? on-going persecution -- even by other ApostateTM members.  Hard to get past one page of a thread, in fact.  Very discouraging at times.  I?m not saying that sexual abuse is in the same category as shunning ?However ? Familial ties that have been severed due to religious persecution ? where does one file that comfortably????

And where am I supposed to ?file? my feelings?  Where am I supposed to "file" my broken heart?

Yes? the ?scriptural obligation? ? the ?duty? ?there is no natural affection or love.  Depending on how much he is trying to impress an elder or two, he will let his elders know that he has notified his mom that he is still going to follow through on his duty to ?support financially? his sinful mom ? even though it is ?Not DeservedTM?? I suppose ...

ob?li?ga?tion

Pronunciation: "ä-bl&-'gA-sh&n Function: noun Date: 14th century

1 : the action of obligating oneself to a course of action (as by a promise or vow)

2 a : something (as a formal contract, a promise, or the demands of conscience or custom) that obligates one to a course of action b : a debt security (as a mortgage or corporate bond) c : a commitment (as by a government) to pay a particular sum of money; also : an amount owed under such an obligation <unable to meet its obligations, the company went into bankruptcy>

3 a : a condition or feeling of being obligated b : a debt of gratitude

4 : something one is bound to do : DUTY, RESPONSIBILITY

Interesting that their scriptural obligation causes them to feel guilty enough to give money.

When I left the j-dubs, I shed my guilt.

They stay ? they keep their guilt, feeling pressure and obligation to provide money, if I ask for it.  Hmmmm?

Nah, I?m not like that ?

I?m so sorry to hear about you being shunned by your mom. 

My mom was a j-dub.  She has been dead for four years. (two weeks after she died, I was disfellowshipped)  Hard to say what would have happened if she was still alive.  I'd like to think she would not have shunned me.  Don't know for sure, though...

Maybe we need to start a website for support ? or something.

I?m thinking about this ?

Yeah, same here.  With my son, he just ignores me ?the cold hard shunning. 

Interesting that they think they are being the persecuted ones!!!  Then of course, if they feel they are someone?s victim, then it turns around ... that they actually become the persecutors.  It is a little ?Triangle? I learned about in therapy ? where the victim turns around and becomes the persecutor?

The only way not to become a persecutor -- after being a victim -- is to break the cycle of abuse.  That is why I want to make sure to work through these issues, so that the cycle of abuse gets broken.  Since therapy is frowned on by j-dubs, it is up to me to break the pattern, I figure.  It is not too much to do -- for my kids.

I appreciate your support, special k.  Thanks!

invictus wrote:

Thanks, invictus ... Some times I feel stronger than other times.  Some days I really could use a hug -- and a shoulder to cry on.  Sometimes it feels very unfair.  It is inconceivable to me that this group could declare that their mistreatment of us shunned ones is god-ordained. 

BluesBrother wrote:

Thanks, yes, BluesBrother.  I have a lot closer people to turn to for help ? if help ever became necessary.  The jws are the poorest excuse for a charity imaginable!! Them and their obligationTM!!!

Yes, it seems to me that people in shunning situations ?act out? their already existing negative emotions.  With the case of my son in real life -- this letter was not written by him -- only someone like him.  My real son has soooo much ?divorce anger? that has not been dealt with or healed, that he is not able to approach me.  He moved to Flin Flon, Manitoba without telling me where he moved to.  The only way I found out was through an ex-sister-in-law who I am still friends with.  Even my ex is not angry with me any more for the divorce.  Yet our son is. (???)  *Shakes head*  Some things I will never understand in this lifetime ?

Anyway, I find that if I keep looking at my emotions and trying to handle the stuff I struggle with ? it helps me to reach a new plateau in my healing and in my understanding of this sick dynamic of shunning. 

I really appreciate having input from my JWD friends.  Just to bounce stuff back and forth.  This is my therapy.  It feels healthy. 

Just so you all know ? I really appreciate your support and your shoulder of comfort through the bad stuff.

(((((You are all sooooo beloved!)))))

ESTEE

I decided to post the "JW son's letter" on Oprah ... also my reply ...

I had no idea how this letter would impact me ... A reality check I suppose...

I am in shock...

ESTEE