What to do when your parents are toxic?

Ever heard of the book Toxic Parents? I think she needs a copy and you both go through it together

A while back I did a couple of threads and compared Toxic Parents to Toxic Religion. Take a look and pull out what you need for the Toxic Parents and see how it meets some of the insanity you are going through. Then go out and get the book

Toxic Parents Toxic Religion 1 http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59414/1.ashx

The first post is a quote from the book. The second post is a questionaire from the book and the third is how I see the same dynamics as it applies to the WTS

The first post is another quote from the book which you both should find helpful

It seems you and your wife have tried everything aside from some therapy so your wife can understand it's okay to let go in fact it's very important for her mental health to let go of such hurtful people even if they are called parents.

It reminds me of the analogy of the patient telling the Doctor; "Doc when I do this _____ it hurts". Doc takes a look makes sure nothing is wrong and tell patient; "Stop doing that!"

If it hurts stop doing it!

Cut off all contact, change your phone number refuse mail from them and block them from your email addresses take whatever step you need to do to keep them away. Even an animal in the wild protects their family from intruders and harm. Aren't we a step above the animals? Yet we get sucked into the emotional aspects of wanting to please them when we know instinctively there is no pleasing them. There is nothing wrong with your wife, nothing wrong with you, your children, you are not the problem, they are.

The phrase TOXIC means poison, think of them as poison and just don't interact with them, period. I know it's easier said then done but you have each other to lean on which is a good thing. Be creative in ways of thinking of them as toxic, like calling them the toxic parents. It also helps to put a picture of them up with a big red circle and a line drawn through it or at least to think of them mentally that way if the picture is a bit over the top for you. Use your imagination......but help each other through it and think of all the good reasons you are doing it. Make a Mission statement and a list of positive statements to remind you of your mission.

This didn't happen over night and it won't go away over night, it takes work and diligence and the amount of work put into it depends directly on just how important it is for you to have them gone from your life.

Hope this helps and good luck!

You know it is so easy for people to say "Just stay away" It is a lot harder to do.

As children our lives depended on these adults to care for us. It isn't unusual for children to start caring for their parents in the hopes that everything will be OK.

The hope is "If I care for you then you will care for me"

The problem is that the toxic parent never cares for the child. So the adult-child keeps trying to make everything OK.

They can't. They can't make it OK for the parents and they can't get the parents to make it OK for them. The adult-child has to leave and stop trying to make it OK for others.

The reality is that they no longer need the parents to make things OK. During that childhood they learned all the skills to care for others. Now it is time to use those skills to care for themselves. And they need to give themselves permission to stop all the caretaking of others and start caring for themselves.

A lot easier to say than do. But the first step is to identify the problem and take it from there

I have a toxic mother. One day I got the book "toxic parents" and left it laying on the coffee table.

Oh mother about hit the roof.

We don't speak to my mother. The way I figure it is that my children deserve better than to be put thru what I was put thru.

I had toxic parents.  They were still toxic even though they went to KH.  For some years I figured that if I was the perfect Christian that they would love me.  It took awhile to realize how toxic they were and how they had never been parents.

I have no contact with either parent.  I was amazing how quickly I felt better.  They still occasionally try to reach out with that toxic touch, but I just stay far away.  100 miles might work, Gary, if it weren't for the telephone.  I recommend getting caller ID; return all letters and packages; and if they show up on your property after you have asked them not to, call the police.

I have a book in my library:  Toxic Parents--Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward.

I have read and re-read that book many times.  It's a great book and gives practical advice and step by step help.

Blondie

My mother is such a person.  I came to the realization at 15 that she was poison.  I have fallen into the guilt mode a couple of times in the past 25 years since that decision.  But with every visit the realization that ending that relationship was by far the best thing I could have done for myself.

I honor her for bearing me and for raising me until my early teens but she just is not capable of a relationship beyond that.

I am a far better for not having her in my life than I would have been with her there.

Uzzah

Another book that could be helpful is by Susan Forward as well, Emotional Blackmail.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060928972/o/qid=976836818/sr=2-1/103-5970003-0385437

My parents are quite poisonous.  They don't mean to be, they're not abusive, they're just... actually I don't even know.  It's just that everything that happens with them now is a massive emotional rollercoaster.  Everything is difficult and depressing.  They are deeply unhappy, and it's contagious.  I love them deeply but I know that there's a limit to my responsibility - I got through my depression eventually and they can too, but I have passed the point at which I can do anything, like the time I was hanging out with the alcoholic because I thought that I could make him see sense.

I have a responsibility towards them, I know that, but my primary responsibility is to myself and my husband.  If I had children I'd put them way ahead of my parents too.  They have lived their lives and made their choices.  If there was anything that I could do to help them I'd do it but I know that there isn't.  I can just hope that they talk themselves through it, or that somebody close to them finally spits and tells them to get it together - I know that they have good and close friends and surely one of them will eventually have the guts to tell them that if all of their kids don't talk to them it may be because of something they're doing? 

Any contact that I have with them now hurts me and affects hubby and I for days or even weeks, and my life and marriage are more precious to me now; even more precious than my parents.  I love them so much, but have to choose between my wellbeing and my compelling desire to help.  I know that I can't; or not at a very high price that I'm no longer willing to pay. 

I just have to let it go.  At first it was hard, but I know that I'm better off.  I'm even better off without them, and it's likely that they're better off without me. 

Sadly, it sometimes becomes necessary to stay away as much as possible if not completely from toxic parents.

Both my husband and myself have to do this and are much happier.  My parents are not keen to stop contact BUT I limit it as much as possible.  They are controlling and completely into Watchtower land and control.  I think that is why so many parents 'like' the WTBTS because it expects and demands respect and obedience even when it doesn't deserve it and even when it should not get it and parents who are toxic want the same, unquestioning obedience.  Staying 'in' is a means of controlling the rest of the family.

Once you no longer 'play the game' they have no control over you at all.

The answer?  Don't play the game.  Just walk.

I remember reading that MANY years ago and I just may read it again. (Thanks, Blondie). Unfortunately I'm the one that still becomes a little child in my mother's presence. I find it's even more frustrating when you are aware it's happening but feel powerless to stop it.

I wish you well. I never cease to be amazed at what a powerful, life-shaping effect parents have on their children.

Skeptic1914