From reading people's stories and life experiences I thought I'd poll the members here for some advice.
My inlaws are extremely toxic. I know, every person says that about their inlaws, but the way they treat their family is absolutely horrible.
I love my wife very much, how she ever came out of such an environment just boggles me. Day in and day out she strives for her parents love and approval, but it just isn't there. And it will never be there.
About 6 years ago her mother sent her a letter that essentially said her my wife was a lazy, stupid slob and she regretted ever bringing her into the world.
I went ballistic. She is highly intelligent and a hard worker that looks after the house and our children, but suffers low self esteem because of comments like this from her mother.
When my wife went to work one Saturday I called up my mother-in-law and tore strips off her up one side and down the other. When my wife got home I told her about it and she hugged me and thanked me and said that nobody ever stood up for her.
We didn't talk to her parents for more then a year. Then out of the blue they call up and invite her to come over like nothing ever happened. She was desperate to go, and told me that she was going whether I liked it or not. That was kind of odd for me, because I'm not one to dictate what she can and can't do. The kids are a different issue. I didn't like the idea of them using their affection as a weapon and would protect my children from such an influence.
I told her that if she wanted to take the kids, the old matter needed to be resolved first. I called up her father and said that I wasn't prepared to let this become a pattern of behavior. Children don't understand why their grandparents aren't talking to them. He assured me that it was water under the bridge and he would personally ensure that it would never get to that point again.
So my wife "enjoyed" a very superficial relationship with her parents. She'd send them emails, keeping them updated with what the children are doing and took them down to visit once a year.
When we visit I notice a huge change in my wife. She loses her intelligent composed demeanor and runs around frantically waiting on her parents hand and foot.
She scrubbed their house down from top to bottom, did the grocery shopping, tended to their gardens, etc.
All this time our kids were bored out of their minds. They did go to the beach, but mostly my father-in-law put them to work in the backyard so he could kill two birds with one stone. Take some vacation time and get work done around the house.
I've told her that when she visits, I lose my wife and she becomes a little girl again. It may sound harsh, but it's true. She is so desperate for her parent's love that she keeps trying harder and harder to prove that she's a decent human being, but they just don't have the love to offer.
We are coming up on the summer time when she is supposed to go down to visit so I asked her about it and she told me that her parents weren't talking to her right now. Stunned I asked why and she shrugged and said she didn't know and frankly I believe her.
Talking with my mother last week she told me that she saw them at a meeting the last time she visited the area and started talking about their grandchildren. My mother-in-law looked at my mother coldly and said "we're not talking to the children right now". My mother told me this was in October of last year.
It just makes me want to scream. Now my wife didn't tell me about this because I think she's worried that I'll tell them off again and frankly I have a good mind to.
My family is far from perfect, but we are family. If my brothers and I get in an argument, we exchange heated words, say what's on our minds then take a few hours to cool off. Then we have a calm discussion about what bothering each other and that's it. When we forgive, it truly is forgotten.
My mother-in-law is still bringing up grudges she's been holding against my wife from when they were children.
I'm completely at a loss. I asked my mother if she was just talking to the mother-in-law and she said no, it was both of them. This is the man that I called up and expressly said that I would not tolerate this toxic behavior and he gave me his word he would never let it happen again. In fact the M.I.L went on to tell my mother why they weren't talking to their daughter but I won't mention it here. I'm hoping that if there's some good advice I can point my wife to this thread. I promised my mother that I wouldn't tell my wife their reasons, but it was so petty that my mother just said "That is no excuse to cut off your family" and stormed away.
I would love to just reach out and protect her, but now she's even hiding it from me and our relationship has no other secrets. How can I help her get the confidence to stand up for herself and tell her parents that this behavior isn't acceptable? How do you help someone that doesn't want to see the problem?
My inlaws are extremely toxic. I know, every person says that about their inlaws, but the way they treat their family is absolutely horrible.
I love my wife very much, how she ever came out of such an environment just boggles me. Day in and day out she strives for her parents love and approval, but it just isn't there. And it will never be there.
About 6 years ago her mother sent her a letter that essentially said her my wife was a lazy, stupid slob and she regretted ever bringing her into the world.
I went ballistic. She is highly intelligent and a hard worker that looks after the house and our children, but suffers low self esteem because of comments like this from her mother.
When my wife went to work one Saturday I called up my mother-in-law and tore strips off her up one side and down the other. When my wife got home I told her about it and she hugged me and thanked me and said that nobody ever stood up for her.
We didn't talk to her parents for more then a year. Then out of the blue they call up and invite her to come over like nothing ever happened. She was desperate to go, and told me that she was going whether I liked it or not. That was kind of odd for me, because I'm not one to dictate what she can and can't do. The kids are a different issue. I didn't like the idea of them using their affection as a weapon and would protect my children from such an influence.
I told her that if she wanted to take the kids, the old matter needed to be resolved first. I called up her father and said that I wasn't prepared to let this become a pattern of behavior. Children don't understand why their grandparents aren't talking to them. He assured me that it was water under the bridge and he would personally ensure that it would never get to that point again.
So my wife "enjoyed" a very superficial relationship with her parents. She'd send them emails, keeping them updated with what the children are doing and took them down to visit once a year.
When we visit I notice a huge change in my wife. She loses her intelligent composed demeanor and runs around frantically waiting on her parents hand and foot.
She scrubbed their house down from top to bottom, did the grocery shopping, tended to their gardens, etc.
All this time our kids were bored out of their minds. They did go to the beach, but mostly my father-in-law put them to work in the backyard so he could kill two birds with one stone. Take some vacation time and get work done around the house.
I've told her that when she visits, I lose my wife and she becomes a little girl again. It may sound harsh, but it's true. She is so desperate for her parent's love that she keeps trying harder and harder to prove that she's a decent human being, but they just don't have the love to offer.
We are coming up on the summer time when she is supposed to go down to visit so I asked her about it and she told me that her parents weren't talking to her right now. Stunned I asked why and she shrugged and said she didn't know and frankly I believe her.
Talking with my mother last week she told me that she saw them at a meeting the last time she visited the area and started talking about their grandchildren. My mother-in-law looked at my mother coldly and said "we're not talking to the children right now". My mother told me this was in October of last year.
It just makes me want to scream. Now my wife didn't tell me about this because I think she's worried that I'll tell them off again and frankly I have a good mind to.
My family is far from perfect, but we are family. If my brothers and I get in an argument, we exchange heated words, say what's on our minds then take a few hours to cool off. Then we have a calm discussion about what bothering each other and that's it. When we forgive, it truly is forgotten.
My mother-in-law is still bringing up grudges she's been holding against my wife from when they were children.
I'm completely at a loss. I asked my mother if she was just talking to the mother-in-law and she said no, it was both of them. This is the man that I called up and expressly said that I would not tolerate this toxic behavior and he gave me his word he would never let it happen again. In fact the M.I.L went on to tell my mother why they weren't talking to their daughter but I won't mention it here. I'm hoping that if there's some good advice I can point my wife to this thread. I promised my mother that I wouldn't tell my wife their reasons, but it was so petty that my mother just said "That is no excuse to cut off your family" and stormed away.
I would love to just reach out and protect her, but now she's even hiding it from me and our relationship has no other secrets. How can I help her get the confidence to stand up for herself and tell her parents that this behavior isn't acceptable? How do you help someone that doesn't want to see the problem?
