Were you given the tools to survive?

I feel like I was never given the tools to survive. I feel short-changed and ill-equipped to handle life. In many ways I still feel like a child. I want my Mom. I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers up over myself. I want to crawl under a desk or table and curl into a ball. I want to shut out the world. I want to find peace. All I can find lately is turmoil.

Why am I not like everyone else? What makes them able to survive? How did they get the tools they needed? Why didn't I get any? Where can I get some?

I don't know what direction to turn. There isn't a Home Depot for survival tools. Those tools were passed out to the class on a day I was absent. I never got the make-up test. I think my parents excused me to go sit in the library instead.

Is that what it is? Is that what all of the other kids got at the Christmas party? While I sat in the library, the survival tools were passed out. Yeah. I think maybe that's what happened.

Now they are all grown up and functioning normally. I grew up too, but I don't function well at all. Sometimes I can hide it and make do. It's like using a dime to remove a screw instead of a screwdriver. It's not efficient, but eventually it gets the job done, and usually nobody is the wiser.

But then sometimes they catch you pounding in a nail with your shoe, and then it is very apparent that you don't have the tools. It is hard to deny. You can't hide it anymore. You can't do anything but break down and cry.

Tammy

(Swan)  I know this feeling well.  

Please remember that you have survived though.  And take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone; check out the threads we've had recently on "roots" and "not fitting in".  I really believe that while we who were raised as witnesses truly were shortchanged, the bigger truth is that this feeling you're having is common to most humans. Yep, even "worldly" people, from what I can see, feel lost, feel on the outside. 

Perhaps that seems like small comfort, but it really helps me at times to realize when I feel so vulnerable, that I'm only feeling human.

 

Then I swell up with pride and go find someone smaller to pick on .

Because you are beautifully unique.

But also realize that you are not alone

in what you are feeling right now.

Be patient with yourself. Don't fight against

who you are.

Some people feel that therapy serves as a kind

of "Home Depot" for this kind of thing, have you

considered trying it?

I'm so sorry that you are feeling badly.

(((Swan)))

Your not alone, I had to figure them out all by myself...no help from my parents or anyone else.

Maybe not, but that doesn't I'm going to lay there and die.

I have survived an alcoholic, sexually, emotionally, spiritually abusive family.  Did they give me the tools to survive?  No, but I went to teachers, neighbors, other relatives to get what I needed.  And I survived.  But I found the tools to live by going to Al-Anon, ACOA, and ex-JW support groups, as well as seeing a counselor.

One thing I learned is that I was not alone and that not only JWs are struggling out there to find the tools to live.  Some of the best help came from people in an ACOA group where I learned to value myself and how to deal with those around me that were continuing to devalue me.  I learned that it sometimes means leaving those that others assume will love and support you, parents, siblings, spouses.  Leaving without guilt, protecting yourself, giving yourself room to grow, learn, live.

Blondie

Swan, I've considered this from more than a few angles....I wasn't given the tools to survive in TODAY's world.....and like many others, I've had to learn/make my own....but I believe the reason is the same reason that neither have any of us with grown kids probably given them what they really need to survive in tomorrow's world.....our parents (or those who raised us) weren't equipped with the info/tools needed to survive in today's world, just as we aren't equipped to advise anyone else on how to survive in tomorrow's world....I think there's a reason for this....there's no better teacher than experience.....it's from experience that we gain wisdom.....we only gain knowledge from what is taught.....just like little fledglings pushed from the nest, we fly or fall, think or thwim.....life really is what we make of it....

Frannie B

I didn't get the tools either. but because I came from a highly dysfunctional family long before my mother got involved with the borg

Go to your local library or bookstore - and look for the recovery section. They are huge. And there are hundreds of books  to help you get the tools you need.

(((hug))) i know exactly what you mean. sometimes i feel like everyones' brains are 1000 piece puzzles, and my box only came with 999. i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks this way. thanks for sharing; your post made me feel a lot better. :)

Swan:

The one important thing to remember is to not waste time looking back and regretting what we did not do.  Also, avoid the mistake of blaming others for our own deficiencies.  The past can not be recovered.  We can only work in the present and future. 

Set realistic goals and then pursue them.  There are many opportunities available out there that were not twenty or thirty years ago.  But one needs a positive attitude and drive to accomplish it.

Sometimes it helps to sit down and write out your strong points.  See how these can assist you to acheive the goals you have set.  Then write down the negatives.  See how you can overcome these and improve your situation.  The one person that can help you is yourself.  You CAN do it.      Good luck

What you need is a good dose of Hulkamania!

Rah rah, testosterone time!

Pain is weakness leaving the body! Now drop and give me 20.

You can learn any skills you need. But most of all, what nobody can teach you, is the WILL to survive! The drive to win!

You are worth something, you will do so much, no get up and do it! Get to the library. Find something to learn about. Have a big friggin christmas party in the middle of September. Rebel! Feel the rush of freedom! Get piss drunk! do karaoke! test yourself! If you aren't terrified, you aren't growing! Get a motorcycle license. Do something you always wanted to and couldn't because of dubdom!

CZAR

 

 

A parent's #1 job is to prepare their children for life. My parents prepared me for death. In that, they were failures as parents.  GaryB

 

 

       

Garybus:

Don't be too hard on your parents.  They gave you life.  It's a gift that you can use to acheive whatever you want in life.  Parents who raised children "in the truth" thought they were giving the very best to their children.  For many it was precisely that they wanted their children to live and not die that they followed this course. 

There are no easy instructions for parents to raise children.  What works for one child does not work for another.  What parents owe their children are love and care.  What children owe their parents are love and respect.   We all make mistakes during our lifetime.  But we should not end up regretting that we failed in our most basic relationship, the family. 

Mizpah, It's not a matter of being hard on my parents. It's just the facts. Instead of seeing that I was educated, they discouraged practical education. Instead of being encouraging, they were discouraging. They told me, you don't ever have to worry about going to high school, Armageddon will be here before that. 1958 I started high school. Then they told me you will never have to get married and raise a family in this old world. I have 4 adult sons and one grandchild.



As parents preparing a child to live and survive in the world, they failed. As an adult, I overcame their failure. Now as senior parents of adult children they are failing at that too. Anything they could do to be good at the job of parenting they do the opposite. They do it on purpose. GaryB

Dear Tammy,

I can only add to what others have said: “you are not alone.”  Many of us who grew up in JW

households were not given the tools to thrive in “the world.”

One thing that I have learned during my struggles to flourish in “the world” is to apply what

the WTS said, as opposed to what they did.  By that I mean that some of the ideals espoused

in the WT and Awake were not bad.  Hard work, giving one’s employer an honest day’s work, not

cheating but looking for ways to improve matters involving one’s work, study and play are all

qualities that good companies are looking for.  By displaying the “fruitages of the spirit” one

can often go a long way toward attracting attention from honest, dependable bosses, teachers, etc.

Even though the fine qualities usually preached in the WTS publications were not seen by the

R & F JW in their religion’s leaders, they are fairly good guides to above average performance

in many situations.  IMHO, many “worldly persons” are not much better than JWs when it comes

to morals and ethics and that gives you and me a chance to shine, even though we may lack some

skills (tools) of the trade.

 

The "tools" to make it are out there!  Be willing to use them, and apply them properly when you do find them.

The first is a getting a good self image, and having a positive attitude.  You will be amazed at what can happen then.